For example:
“You’re eating M & M’s like they’re peanuts! I was reading an article the other
day and I think you should start making your own juice. It’s the best way to get
sugar in a healthy way.”
“Your office is not arranged very efficiently. You should get rid of the two filing
cabinets and move a chair in that space.”
“You need to start saying No to your mother. It’s making you resentful to look
after her all the time.”
“We’re all going to play cards after dinner.”
“Please tell me you’re not going to wear a veil at your wedding. Veils are so
outdated and patriarchal.”
No matter how attractive, intelligent, or nice you are, if you over-pursue, over-talk, or
act controlling, you will get in the circle of the people around you, making them want to
‘vote you off the island.’
Here’s why:
Psychological leaning has its roots in unmet needs. What’s happening is that you want
love and compliance so much from this person that you’re ignoring his or her need for
emotional space, respect, and autonomy. As Wilde explains:
When you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or towards them, it
makes others feel uncomfortable.
They resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying

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They don’t like your self-indulgence, and your insecurity reminds them of their
own vulnerability; it rattles them.
Animosity builds.
Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates.
It robs them of energy and crowds them; they have to buy into your needs and
emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own.
They don’t like the imposition, and often they react negatively, even if they
don’t say so.
Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your weight, but then they feel
they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially.
They will feel empowered to use you or deprecate you or discredit you in some
way.6
Psychological leaning also violates a basic law of attraction in life:
Any person pursued runs away.
There are the three main reasons for this phenomenon:
1. Pursuit is a form of pressure. When you pursue someone, you are constantly
pressuring him for “more.” The problem is that because we all cherish our
freedom, no one responds to pressure.

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2. Pursuit is a way of dominating the person you are pursuing. When someone tells
you through his actions that he’s not in the mood to connect with you or do it
your way, and you ignore him (and pursue or complain about him), what you are
saying to him is, “My need for connection and to get my way is more important
than your need for space and freedom.”
This is an extremely dominant move which will quickly alienate the person you are
trying to gain approval or love from. Infuriated by your selfishness, he’ll withdraw from
or reject you.
3. Human beings want to pursue, not just be pursued, especially when it comes to
romance. It is the longing for someone that creates romantic and sexual
attraction. We prize people, jobs, and money more when we must work hard and
sacrifice to get them. I call this the “Brad Pitt” phenomenon. Celebrities become
famous for their looks and talent, but what keeps their desirability high is their
inaccessibility. When you over-pursue, you rob people of the opportunity to
pursue you--and prize--you.
Relationship Mistakes #2 and #3
Inappropriate Dominance or Passivity
To understand relationship mistakes 2 and 3, you need to grasp the concept of
self-assertiveness. Self-assertiveness is the ability to express your wants and needs

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appropriately. When we lack self-assertiveness, we are either overly dominant or
overly passive.
1. Inappropriate Dominance. This means you habitually get your way at the
expense of the other person. This leads to a build up of resentment in the other
person towards you.
2. Inappropriate Passivity. This means you habitually allow the other
person to get his way. This leads to a build up of resentment in you
towards the other person.
Profile of Inappropriate Dominance
Here are typical everyday examples of being inappropriately dominant:
You ask others to do leisure activities you want to do, yet rarely do things they want
to do.
When there is a choice of movies, restaurants, or games, your preferences usually
prevail.
You spend time on hobbies (e.g., playing hockey, shopping), and are unconcerned
that your partner must do more household work to accommodate you.
You expect other people to come to your house, drive to see you, and put themselves
out of their way to socialize with you…yet you rarely do this for them.
You are self-absorbed in conversations; if you are not talking, or the conversation
does not revolve around you, you tend to check out.
You get your way in household issues, such as: how the house is decorated, whether
you have pets, where you live, and the cleanliness level of the house.
You expect your partner to spend time with your family, but do not often return the
favour.
When there are differences over issues such as spending money and raising children,
you get your way over your partner most of the time.

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On vacation, you get your way on travel destinations, daily itineraries, and
activities.
You do things that affect other people – e.g., arrive late, mess up the house – and are
basically unconcerned about how this affects them.
When the important people in your life become upset about your dominance and
demand more equality, this provokes anxiety in you.
If most of these items apply to you in a relationship, you can be sure you are the
‘alpha-dog’ in it. You like to get your way, at least in this relationship, and the thought
of giving in makes you anxious. The problem with this dynamic is that it is not
sustainable long-term. When people do not get what they want, they become angry,
anxious, and resentful.
If you persist in getting your way most of the time, this person will gradually
come to resent you. He or she may suppress it for months or even years, but eventually
it will surface in the following ways:
Lessening of passion, affection, and effort in the relationship
Overreactions to trivial situations
Irritability and crankiness towards you
Depression and fatigue that do not seem to have a cause
Addictions, particularly weight gain, smoking and drinking

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