I’m going to review the five main reasons why relationships fail. It’s important for you
to do a diagnosis on your relationship so that “treat” it with the proper medicine. If you
recognize yourself in these descriptions, do not despair—you didn’t make them on
purpose. We all make mistakes in relationships, including your ex.
Relationship Mistake #1
Over-Pursuing
There is a serious relationship mistake that blocks another person’s connection to you
and prevents him or her from expressing the love, respect, and appreciation you want.
I want you to start by drawing a circle on a piece of paper in front of you. Next, put the
person’s initials you would like more love or respect from inside the circle. Put your
initials outside the circle.3
The first relationship mistake is to get in the circle of another person by over-pursuing
him or her.
When you are outside the circle, this person will connect to his love, respect, and
appreciation for you. He’ll pursue you for time together, be compassionate towards you,
and place his needs above yours when appropriate.
I call this the #1 mistake because when you are in the circle, you cannot get another
person’s acceptance; in some cases, you will be barely able to get his attention. Staying
outside the circle is a necessary for any romantic relationship to survive. Without it,
getting compassion (them to care about how you feel) and generosity (to put their
needs ahead of yours) is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest naked without a Sherpa.
How to Know When You Are In the Circle:
The Pursuer’s Experience
You’ll know when you’re inside the circle because your experience is one of wanting
more: you want more time, more help, consideration, affection, listening, approval, and
respect from the other person. You have unconsciously become the pursuer in the
relationship, pressuring this person for these things without knowing it.
If you continue to pursue without success, you’ll feel frustrated, rejected, and
abandoned. Consciously and unconsciously, you will blame the person for not
responding to you. Usually, you’ll escalate your pursuit in an attempt to get the respect,
time, or affection you seek.
Here’s how it shows up in your outer game: you will be super-nice, super-affectionate, or
super-accommodating in an attempt to win over the person you are pursuing. Every
now and again, when frustrated, you’ll be hostile to him--either in your mind or your
words. You may criticize him for being insensitive, unappreciative, pre-occupied, or not
giving enough. You may become intimidating, lay guilt trips; you may even point out
how terrific you are: “You don’t appreciate me.”
In your inner game, your personal confidence will take a hit. Dimly, you’ll realize that
this person is not responding to you. And, since you are attractive and nice, you will be
very confused about why you’re being rejected.
The Way Out
There is a way out of over-pursuing, and that is to get outside the circle. You start by
realizing how you got inside the circle in the first place. Here are some main ways we get
in the circle.
“Psychological Leaning”
In Silent Power, Stuart Wilde explains that we get inside another person’s circle by
leaning on him psychologically.4 You lean on someone psychologically when you use
your connection with him to gain self-acceptance. On some level, you want this person
to lift you up psychologically by approving of you. Here are the three ways we lean on
others: