I need you to open your mind today that at least 50% of your relationship
problems is due to you--either your lack of knowledge of these principles or your
ability to put them into practice.
The one area we must win in is relationships. Above all else, what we are really
seeking is love…there is much suppressed sadness in the heart over relationship
hurts. It follows that our biggest fear is the fear of rejection. This is the fear reality
T.V. shows like Survivor have tapped into: none of us wants to be voted off the
island.
“Stop Your Divorce”
A few years ago I stumbled across the story of a man whose wife was coming home every
day saying, “I don’t love you any more. I want a divorce.” Of course, he was very upset.
He sought help from a therapist with 45 years’ experience on re-uniting couples. The
therapist told him exactly what to say the next time his wife did that. The next day, the
client called back his therapist, very excited. He said, “She came home and again said
that she didn’t love me and she wanted a divorce. I told her the three things you told me
to say and then stayed quiet: ‘You’re right. It will never work. I would prefer to stay
married, but you’re not happy. I’ll look for an apartment next week.’ She got up, walked
around the house for about five minutes, and then returned to the bedroom and said,
“You know, I think this marriage CAN work. And I want it to work.”1
Why This Approach Worked
You’re probably wondering what he said to her. Here’s what it was.
1. “You’re right. It’s not going to work because you’re so unhappy.”
The husband agreed with her instead of arguing. Most people relax their position
when you agree with them and defend their position when you argue with them.
Before this, he used to argue with her and tell her all the reasons why they should
stay together. Now, although he has sped up the legal divorce, the emotional divorce
has come to a grinding halt. Now she is finally open to talking to him about why she
wants the divorce. He listened to her, which gave her a feeling of being understood.
2. “I would prefer to stay married to you, but I see it’s not what you want.”
He told her that he preferred to stay married to her, placing the responsibility for
the divorce solely on her. Since there is usually a lot of good in a marriage, people
don’t want to be completely responsible for ending them.
3. “I’ll find an apartment next week and move out.”
This shows confidence. It’s an attitude of, “I prefer pie, but I’ll take cake.” It’s,
“You’re cute, and I would rather stay married to you, but I’ll be Ok.” He showed her
he wasn’t afraid to be rejected or alone, which demonstrated his personal
confidence. Confidence is universally attractive, and fear is universally unattractive.2
Inner vs. Outer Game
This story shows that there is both an inner and outer game of relationships. Your outer
game is your behaviour: exactly what you do and say when she says things like, “I don’t
love you any more, and I want a divorce.”
The inner game refers to your emotions, thoughts, and attitudes: your fear, your hope,
your confidence. Your outer and inner games work together to bring you success. In
Stop Your Divorce, the husband didn’t know what to say to his wife, and because of that,
his inner game – his confidence – suffered terribly. But, the inner game is important
too. There are many people who refuse to change their outer game because they are
afraid. To justify their fear, they say things like, “I refuse to play games,” even when a
new approach would work.
problems is due to you--either your lack of knowledge of these principles or your
ability to put them into practice.
The one area we must win in is relationships. Above all else, what we are really
seeking is love…there is much suppressed sadness in the heart over relationship
hurts. It follows that our biggest fear is the fear of rejection. This is the fear reality
T.V. shows like Survivor have tapped into: none of us wants to be voted off the
island.
“Stop Your Divorce”
A few years ago I stumbled across the story of a man whose wife was coming home every
day saying, “I don’t love you any more. I want a divorce.” Of course, he was very upset.
He sought help from a therapist with 45 years’ experience on re-uniting couples. The
therapist told him exactly what to say the next time his wife did that. The next day, the
client called back his therapist, very excited. He said, “She came home and again said
that she didn’t love me and she wanted a divorce. I told her the three things you told me
to say and then stayed quiet: ‘You’re right. It will never work. I would prefer to stay
married, but you’re not happy. I’ll look for an apartment next week.’ She got up, walked
around the house for about five minutes, and then returned to the bedroom and said,
“You know, I think this marriage CAN work. And I want it to work.”1
Why This Approach Worked
You’re probably wondering what he said to her. Here’s what it was.
1. “You’re right. It’s not going to work because you’re so unhappy.”
The husband agreed with her instead of arguing. Most people relax their position
when you agree with them and defend their position when you argue with them.
Before this, he used to argue with her and tell her all the reasons why they should
stay together. Now, although he has sped up the legal divorce, the emotional divorce
has come to a grinding halt. Now she is finally open to talking to him about why she
wants the divorce. He listened to her, which gave her a feeling of being understood.
2. “I would prefer to stay married to you, but I see it’s not what you want.”
He told her that he preferred to stay married to her, placing the responsibility for
the divorce solely on her. Since there is usually a lot of good in a marriage, people
don’t want to be completely responsible for ending them.
3. “I’ll find an apartment next week and move out.”
This shows confidence. It’s an attitude of, “I prefer pie, but I’ll take cake.” It’s,
“You’re cute, and I would rather stay married to you, but I’ll be Ok.” He showed her
he wasn’t afraid to be rejected or alone, which demonstrated his personal
confidence. Confidence is universally attractive, and fear is universally unattractive.2
Inner vs. Outer Game
This story shows that there is both an inner and outer game of relationships. Your outer
game is your behaviour: exactly what you do and say when she says things like, “I don’t
love you any more, and I want a divorce.”
The inner game refers to your emotions, thoughts, and attitudes: your fear, your hope,
your confidence. Your outer and inner games work together to bring you success. In
Stop Your Divorce, the husband didn’t know what to say to his wife, and because of that,
his inner game – his confidence – suffered terribly. But, the inner game is important
too. There are many people who refuse to change their outer game because they are
afraid. To justify their fear, they say things like, “I refuse to play games,” even when a
new approach would work.