This is a difficult exercise. I've found that when people externally blame, such as, "He's
an arrogant guy who simply won't listen," inwardly they secretly are blaming
themselves. This is where their sorrow and depression are coming from: they are
questioning themselves as a person.
If you focus on the reality of each person's actions (rather than assume it's
your fault or his) your depression over this rejection will diminish. Of course, it
the breakdown of the relationship was primarily your fault, I suggest you make
amends as quickly as possible.
2. Getting over a need for approval is impossible if you are hanging onto an
unrealistic vision of the relationship (or person). Step back for a moment and
ask yourself, "What was the relationship really like?" and "What is this person
really like?"
Were you expecting listening from a person who is self-absorbed? Were you expecting
assertiveness from a person who is super-passive? Were expecting generosity from a
person who is a bit stingy?
To heal the pain of this rejection, you might have to mourn the vision of
this person/relationship in your mind...and welcome a new reality. This reality
52
may be a bitter pill to swallow at first, but it's much better than rejection pain, and at
least you are dealing with "what is". You may even be able to resurrect the relationship
with much lower expectations on both sides.
3. To really heal, you must forgive the other person for hurting you. Forgiveness is
genuinely understanding that life is not fair, and that loss is part of life.
The opposite of forgiveness is the revenge impulse. When another person hurts us, we
want to hurt him back. This is natural, but the problem with vengeance is that it keeps
your grief alive. By hurting the person back, you get justice, but it keeps your grief alive.
There is a quote about this: "Vengeance is a lazy man's grief." If you forgive, you never
get justice, but you heal yourself.
To forgive, you drop your need for revenge in favour of a desire to improve your life.
Weep for what was done to you when needed, but resolve to focus on the future from
now on.
an arrogant guy who simply won't listen," inwardly they secretly are blaming
themselves. This is where their sorrow and depression are coming from: they are
questioning themselves as a person.
If you focus on the reality of each person's actions (rather than assume it's
your fault or his) your depression over this rejection will diminish. Of course, it
the breakdown of the relationship was primarily your fault, I suggest you make
amends as quickly as possible.
2. Getting over a need for approval is impossible if you are hanging onto an
unrealistic vision of the relationship (or person). Step back for a moment and
ask yourself, "What was the relationship really like?" and "What is this person
really like?"
Were you expecting listening from a person who is self-absorbed? Were you expecting
assertiveness from a person who is super-passive? Were expecting generosity from a
person who is a bit stingy?
To heal the pain of this rejection, you might have to mourn the vision of
this person/relationship in your mind...and welcome a new reality. This reality
52
may be a bitter pill to swallow at first, but it's much better than rejection pain, and at
least you are dealing with "what is". You may even be able to resurrect the relationship
with much lower expectations on both sides.
3. To really heal, you must forgive the other person for hurting you. Forgiveness is
genuinely understanding that life is not fair, and that loss is part of life.
The opposite of forgiveness is the revenge impulse. When another person hurts us, we
want to hurt him back. This is natural, but the problem with vengeance is that it keeps
your grief alive. By hurting the person back, you get justice, but it keeps your grief alive.
There is a quote about this: "Vengeance is a lazy man's grief." If you forgive, you never
get justice, but you heal yourself.
To forgive, you drop your need for revenge in favour of a desire to improve your life.
Weep for what was done to you when needed, but resolve to focus on the future from
now on.