The third way we get inside the circle is by being controlling. The most common ways
we do this are 1) acting cold and victimized, 2) complaining and criticizing others, and
3] actually telling others what to do.
Acting Cold and Victimized
We act cold and victimized when we think someone is not giving us the respect, time, or
affection we think we deserve. The mindset we have is: “I just want you to put in a little
effort” and “You don’t appreciate me.” Here are some examples:
You complain about his lack of consideration.
You lay guilt trips: “You should have called.”
You get disgruntled when the person wants to do something other than spend
time with you.
You check up on him and ask him to account for his time when he’s not with
you. (As opposed to not answering your phone and doing something more
interesting).
You complain to the person that he isn’t as attentive as you would like him to be.
You imply that everyone comes before you – friends, work, etc.
Acting victimized says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It also says, “I want you to
conduct this relationship my way.”
Criticizing and Complaining
We criticize people in an effort to control them and do things our way. Here are some
typical examples:
“Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being
on the internet all day.”
“You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get them
replaced every 3 weeks.”
“Are we really going to see you in a dress? You haven’t worn one since the 5th
grade.”
“Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could you
treat me with such disrespect?”
“I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents must
have completely spoiled you.”
Criticizing is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok the way you
are. But, if you do it my way, I will approve of you.” Everyone hates criticism, because it
triggers deep-seated fears of rejection and shame in them.
Telling People What to Do
Sometimes we act controlling by giving unsolicited advice, trying to control group
situations, or overtly pressuring people to change.
we do this are 1) acting cold and victimized, 2) complaining and criticizing others, and
3] actually telling others what to do.
Acting Cold and Victimized
We act cold and victimized when we think someone is not giving us the respect, time, or
affection we think we deserve. The mindset we have is: “I just want you to put in a little
effort” and “You don’t appreciate me.” Here are some examples:
You complain about his lack of consideration.
You lay guilt trips: “You should have called.”
You get disgruntled when the person wants to do something other than spend
time with you.
You check up on him and ask him to account for his time when he’s not with
you. (As opposed to not answering your phone and doing something more
interesting).
You complain to the person that he isn’t as attentive as you would like him to be.
You imply that everyone comes before you – friends, work, etc.
Acting victimized says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It also says, “I want you to
conduct this relationship my way.”
Criticizing and Complaining
We criticize people in an effort to control them and do things our way. Here are some
typical examples:
“Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being
on the internet all day.”
“You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get them
replaced every 3 weeks.”
“Are we really going to see you in a dress? You haven’t worn one since the 5th
grade.”
“Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could you
treat me with such disrespect?”
“I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents must
have completely spoiled you.”
Criticizing is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok the way you
are. But, if you do it my way, I will approve of you.” Everyone hates criticism, because it
triggers deep-seated fears of rejection and shame in them.
Telling People What to Do
Sometimes we act controlling by giving unsolicited advice, trying to control group
situations, or overtly pressuring people to change.