There is a harsh truth to be faced about relationships: love is often unconditional, but
relationships are not. You can be the most charming person alive, but you must
understand that people accept or reject you based on whether you are meeting their
needs.
I worked with a client once whose common law husband had left her. She was
in shock, and extremely hurt and angry because he had the nerve to reject
her.
"Why did he leave you?" I asked.
"Because I had an emotional affair with my ex-boyfriend the whole time we were
together, and he got sick of it."
Now, she was a special lady, but her shock and self-pity was quite
irrational given how she had acted during their relationship. I'm not suggesting that
every time you are rejected that you deserve it.
What I am saying is that it is Ok to have the experience of being rejected.
By accepting this idea, you reduce your emotional pain (because much of it
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was coming from the fact that you were demanding that everyone respond to
you perfectly). You also put yourself in a position to find out why you are being rejected
and either stop the rejection or move on.
2. Stop self-pity
Self-righteousness and self-pity go hand in hand. Both are the idea that loss and
rejection should not happen to you. Once activated, self-pity wants more pain, and will
feed off itself to create more misery within you.8
There is a way out.
But first, you must understand why we become caught up in self-righteousness and selfpity.
Self-righteousness and self-pity is how we deny our feelings of rejection,
abandonment and fear. Denial is always the first reaction to loss.
Here's the problem with denial. First, you can't move beyond a loss if you deny it's
happening. Second, there's a 97% chance that your fear (of rejection and abandonment)
is the very reason you are being rejected in the first place.
Earlier, I said that while love is unconditional, relationships are not. People accept or
reject us based on whether or not we are meeting their needs. This brings me to the #1
reason people reject us: we are violating their need for freedom, acceptance, and space.
relationships are not. You can be the most charming person alive, but you must
understand that people accept or reject you based on whether you are meeting their
needs.
I worked with a client once whose common law husband had left her. She was
in shock, and extremely hurt and angry because he had the nerve to reject
her.
"Why did he leave you?" I asked.
"Because I had an emotional affair with my ex-boyfriend the whole time we were
together, and he got sick of it."
Now, she was a special lady, but her shock and self-pity was quite
irrational given how she had acted during their relationship. I'm not suggesting that
every time you are rejected that you deserve it.
What I am saying is that it is Ok to have the experience of being rejected.
By accepting this idea, you reduce your emotional pain (because much of it
42
was coming from the fact that you were demanding that everyone respond to
you perfectly). You also put yourself in a position to find out why you are being rejected
and either stop the rejection or move on.
2. Stop self-pity
Self-righteousness and self-pity go hand in hand. Both are the idea that loss and
rejection should not happen to you. Once activated, self-pity wants more pain, and will
feed off itself to create more misery within you.8
There is a way out.
But first, you must understand why we become caught up in self-righteousness and selfpity.
Self-righteousness and self-pity is how we deny our feelings of rejection,
abandonment and fear. Denial is always the first reaction to loss.
Here's the problem with denial. First, you can't move beyond a loss if you deny it's
happening. Second, there's a 97% chance that your fear (of rejection and abandonment)
is the very reason you are being rejected in the first place.
Earlier, I said that while love is unconditional, relationships are not. People accept or
reject us based on whether or not we are meeting their needs. This brings me to the #1
reason people reject us: we are violating their need for freedom, acceptance, and space.