The Inner Game

I have given you much advice on exactly what to do and say when you have contact with
your ex. However, your ability to act on this advice centers around the strength of your
inner game. Here are some strategies to keep your inner game and confidence strong.
1. Stop being self-righteous
When we are being rejected by another person (romantically or otherwise), we tend to
feel very ashamed, self-critical, and depressed.
This is natural, because we are not winning in the relationship--and we all want to be
adored and respected by others. First, you must stop being so self-righteous. You know
what I mean. When most people are rejected,
they react with disbelief and incredulity.
'What? YOU are rejecting me?'
Then they put the other person down in their mind, insisting they are 'above' this
person. They tell themselves that no one has the right to reject them...that they are
above rejection.

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This is silly. No one is above rejection.

There is a harsh truth to be faced about relationships: love is often unconditional, but
relationships are not. You can be the most charming person alive, but you must
understand that people accept or reject you based on whether you are meeting their
needs.
I worked with a client once whose common law husband had left her. She was
in shock, and extremely hurt and angry because he had the nerve to reject
her.
"Why did he leave you?" I asked.
"Because I had an emotional affair with my ex-boyfriend the whole time we were
together, and he got sick of it."
Now, she was a special lady, but her shock and self-pity was quite
irrational given how she had acted during their relationship. I'm not suggesting that
every time you are rejected that you deserve it.
What I am saying is that it is Ok to have the experience of being rejected.
By accepting this idea, you reduce your emotional pain (because much of it

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was coming from the fact that you were demanding that everyone respond to
you perfectly). You also put yourself in a position to find out why you are being rejected
and either stop the rejection or move on.
2. Stop self-pity
Self-righteousness and self-pity go hand in hand. Both are the idea that loss and
rejection should not happen to you. Once activated, self-pity wants more pain, and will
feed off itself to create more misery within you.8
There is a way out.
But first, you must understand why we become caught up in self-righteousness and selfpity.
Self-righteousness and self-pity is how we deny our feelings of rejection,
abandonment and fear. Denial is always the first reaction to loss.
Here's the problem with denial. First, you can't move beyond a loss if you deny it's
happening. Second, there's a 97% chance that your fear (of rejection and abandonment)
is the very reason you are being rejected in the first place.
Earlier, I said that while love is unconditional, relationships are not. People accept or
reject us based on whether or not we are meeting their needs. This brings me to the #1
reason people reject us: we are violating their need for freedom, acceptance, and space.

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Unconsciously, we act entitled to their love, support, time, empathy, listening, respect,
money...the list is long. We pressure them constantly and don't even realize it, because
we believe we are entitled to these things.
A Personal Example
For most of my adult life, I treated my big sister like a surrogate parent. After our
parents' divorce, I assumed it was her job to take care of me.
When my Mom suggested I move out, I moved into my sister's place. When my
relationships broke up, I showed up on her doorstep. When I was a starving student, I
let her pay for my holidays.
It never dawned on me that she was only 18 months older than me and might not want
an instant daughter. Not surprisingly, she got tired of being responsible for me, and
started to complain. But, I felt too victimized by my parents' divorce to listen. Plus, I
reasoned, I did a lot for her, too. Why couldn't she see that?
Sigh. Entitlement is a tough thing to recognize in ourselves. To let go of this
person, and all the things we feel entitled to, we must face our deepest fears.

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Take out a blank sheet of paper. Write the name of a person you have felt rejected by at
the top. Then, in the space below, list five things you have demanded from this person
in your life, both consciously and unconsciously.
Now take a few moments and study your list. Say good-bye to them, and let yourself
have your fear and sadness.
3. Nurture your heart
Here is an exercise in nurturing your heart of the overwhelming fear and sadness you
will face daily while trying to stop your romantic rejection. This is necessary because you
will frequently face the fear of rejection as you go through the process.
Mastering the fear of rejection means that you learn how to heal your heart. When
you’re hurt, your impulse will be to defend against your hurt through blaming,
becoming hostile, and pretending that you do not care about your ex.
These mental positions will keep your hurt locked inside you, because by the time an
emotion shows up in your body, it is energetic experience; therefore, it is useless to
resist it.

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“I Just Want to Cry A Little”

It was a 5-year-old who taught me that, ‘What you resist persists’.
At my summer ringette school many years ago, we tried to take her rollerblading with
her group, but none of the rollerblades fit her. Her lip started to quiver when she
realized she wouldn’t be able to go.
About this time, her mother showed up with another baby in her arms. Her mother was
clearly tired; when she saw her little girl crying, she became impatient. “Lyndsay, stop
crying,” she said in exasperation. Of course, Lyndsay’s crying turned into hysterical
sobs.
The mother lost her patience completely. “If you keep this up, I’m going to take you
home and not bring you back tomorrow.” The little girl sat down and paused. After a
few moments, she looked up at her mother and said, “I just want to cry a little.”
She was only five, but she got it. The crying IS the healing.
I’m going to lead you through a simple exercise you can use to nurture yourself through
rejection, sadness, and love pain when it arises.

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Visualization sequence for nurturing your heart

Sit in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes and relax. Focus on
your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. Once you are relaxed, go back to a time when
you felt loved, appreciated, and accepted by your ex-lover or spouse.
Re-run this scene in your mind. Allow the feeling to grow stronger as an energetic
experience. Re-access the positive energy you had at that time. Continue this for at least
10 minutes. If negative feelings surface, explore them by trying to make them stronger
as an energetic experience. Try to sustain the negative feelings for at least 10-15
minutes. If you need to weep, allow yourself to do so.
This exercise will allow you release negative energy from old traumas and
disappointments.
Of course, releasing sadness or disappointment will not erase desire in you for respect
or love. You still need to ‘win’ a romantic relationship to fully heal and attain happiness.
But now you are no longer a hostile victim: you are still open to receiving love; you know
the outer game you need to get it; you’re optimistic; and you are emotionally resilient.

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4. Move on or not?

 To put your whole heart into stopping your break up, you must determine whether it is
a good idea to try and reverse this rejection or move on from
the relationship.
I have reviewed the strategies you can use right away to start reversing this rejection
once you are convinced it’s what you want. If reversing the rejection is a bad idea, you
will need to let go of your need to gain this person's approval, respect, or affection. This
is the key to getting over your pain.
Move On or Not?
Most of us have a hidden belief that if we are super-nice, attractive, and compassionate,
we will be able to forge a harmonious relationship
with everyone.
This is a fallacy.
The only way an extremely happy, harmonious relationship happens is when both
people are highly evolved. If you are being rejected by a person who is not highly
evolved emotionally or spiritually, I suggest you move on. It is very painful to be
attached to a person who is quite unevolved...you will be distressed or hurt on a regular
basis. If, however, you are being rejected by a person who IS highly evolved, I suggest
you continue to work on stopping the rejection. This process will both make you a
better person and bring you a quality relationship.
Note: you must be honest with yourself here. Do not decide to move on simply because
you fear rejection or disappointment.
This is a "You can't fire me, I quit!" approach to relationships. Do not let fear motivate
you when making this decision. Trying to move on because you are pessimistic will only
ensure you will attract another rejection into your life.
Evolved or Unevolved?
I've made up a 12 point checklist you can use to determine whether this person is
evolved or unevolved. An evolved person is one who has the following:
1. He can stay conscious of reality vs. avoiding it
2. He can apologize when wrong
2. He can hear and accept criticism
3. He can assert himself (not passive or aggressive).
4. He can take responsibility (vs. blame)
5. He can experience negative feelings (vs. highly suppressed)

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6. He sets and works towards meaningful goals
7. He is benevolent (has goodwill towards people)
8. He can listen (vs. self-absorbed and narcissistic)
9. He is empathic and compassionate vs. cold
10. He has a sense of humour vs. overly serious (self-pitying)
11. He respects his body vs. addictive and unhealthy
12. He can heal himself of traumas and disappointments

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I am not saying you should reject every person who is not perfectly evolved.
We are all a 'work in progress'. However, if you are being rejected by
someone who is scores low on most or all of these categories, I suggest you move on and
focus your energy on a person who has the potential for an excellent relationship.
5. Letting Go
My final tip for handing your inner game is for situations when you know a relationship
is destructive to you, but you still feel upset by the fact you are being rejected by this
person. Deep inside, you still want this person's love and
approval, and it confounds you, because you know you should let go of the relationship.
First, I want you to realize that your desire to win over this person is quite natural,
especially if you haven't succeeded yet. I've found that the less love you get from a
person, the harder it is to let go.

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Basically, this is because letting go is tantamount to failure in our mind. To let go, we
must admit that we may never get the love and approval we want. This is tough.
Here are some practical ways to approach your inner game so you can heal yourself of
your feelings of failure, frustration, and sadness when you need to let go.
1. Trust your own mind.
All too often, when facing anger, disapproval, and rejection, we immediately assume
that the conflict is our fault. This assumption is usually unconscious and happens so
fast we don't even recognize it.
When dealing with rejection, you must review your behaviour objectively in your mind.
Were you empathic to the other person's feelings? Were you assertive when necessary?
Did you genuinely attempt to adapt to the other person and meet his or her needs? Did
you give the person space when he or she needed it? Or, were you selfish? Cold?
Defensive? Argumentative? Clingy? Did you avoid conflict instead of try to resolve it?
Were you deceitful or manipulative?
If your behaviour was excellent and you know it, it's time to stop assuming
that every time someone doesn't respond to you with affection, respect, or approval
that it's you're fault.

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This is a difficult exercise. I've found that when people externally blame, such as, "He's
an arrogant guy who simply won't listen," inwardly they secretly are blaming
themselves. This is where their sorrow and depression are coming from: they are
questioning themselves as a person.
If you focus on the reality of each person's actions (rather than assume it's
your fault or his) your depression over this rejection will diminish. Of course, it
the breakdown of the relationship was primarily your fault, I suggest you make
amends as quickly as possible.
2. Getting over a need for approval is impossible if you are hanging onto an
unrealistic vision of the relationship (or person). Step back for a moment and
ask yourself, "What was the relationship really like?" and "What is this person
really like?"
Were you expecting listening from a person who is self-absorbed? Were you expecting
assertiveness from a person who is super-passive? Were expecting generosity from a
person who is a bit stingy?
To heal the pain of this rejection, you might have to mourn the vision of
this person/relationship in your mind...and welcome a new reality. This reality

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may be a bitter pill to swallow at first, but it's much better than rejection pain, and at
least you are dealing with "what is". You may even be able to resurrect the relationship
with much lower expectations on both sides.
3. To really heal, you must forgive the other person for hurting you. Forgiveness is
genuinely understanding that life is not fair, and that loss is part of life.
The opposite of forgiveness is the revenge impulse. When another person hurts us, we
want to hurt him back. This is natural, but the problem with vengeance is that it keeps
your grief alive. By hurting the person back, you get justice, but it keeps your grief alive.
There is a quote about this: "Vengeance is a lazy man's grief." If you forgive, you never
get justice, but you heal yourself.
To forgive, you drop your need for revenge in favour of a desire to improve your life.
Weep for what was done to you when needed, but resolve to focus on the future from
now on.

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Final Thoughts

The process of stopping a romantic rejection is never a straight line. There will be
progress, followed by regressions—on both your parts. Remember that the purpose of
this process is your personal evolution.

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In the end, it’s never about the other person or the relationship: it’s about you learning
how to love and be loved. Above all else, on the same grim conditions, we must love and
keep friends with ourselves.9
It’s been a pleasure working with you. If you would like to contact me about any part of
this training, please do so at the address below. I hope to work with you again. To learn
about new Courage to email me joyyy@gmail.com
Peace and love,

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