You give in on matters such as money issues, child-care, living arrangements, and
holidays to your spouse and say, “I don’t really care.”
When you allow yourself to be dominated, a reservoir of resentment builds in
you towards the person you are accommodating. But notice: you are not resentful
because you put someone else’s needs ahead of yours. You are resentful because your
motivation for doing so was your fear of rejection.
When you subordinate your own needs out of a genuine desire to give to another
person, you do not feel resentful. Unfortunately, this type of giving is rare. Most people
‘give’ to win the acceptance of another person. There is nothing wrong with wanting
acceptance; unfortunately, this method doesn’t work long term.
The person you are being ‘giving’ towards knows you have placed his needs
above yours in order to be accepted. Unconsciously, he will start to de-value you,
because you have just de-valued yourself to gain his good opinion.
The second problem is that you now expect respect, admiration, or affection
back from him, because this was the reason you gave up what you wanted in the first
place. If he doesn’t provide enough respect, attention, and appreciation (and he won’t,
because he has just experienced a tiny loss of respect for you), you will be resentful.
Your ‘generous’ nature quickly turns critical; you may even point out all the ways
he takes you for granted. And, because you have attacked his self-esteem by criticizing
him, the relationship suffers. You have now set yourself up to be rejected. The more you
pursue him for appreciation (or criticize him for the lack of it), the more you get inside
his circle.