Relationship Mistake #4
In every romantic relationship, both people harbour deep-seated fears of abandonment
and rejection. When we feel hurt by a partner, we are gripped by the intense desire to
get revenge by hurting him, although we are usually quite unaware of it.
The feelings become a “hot potato”. As soon as you feel afraid or rejected, you toss the
feeling back to the other person. It’s a metaphorically way of saying, “Here. You have
the fear, too.” We may do this through criticizing, analyzing him, demanding that he
change, name-calling, threatening, insults, or withdrawing affection and ignoring him.
Now both people feel angry, scared, and rejected.
This revenge impulse is usually unconscious, but it is strong. Every time you ‘hurt back’,
you trigger another revenge impulse in your partner, leading to a vicious cycle.
The opposite of the revenge impulse is empathy. Empathy is the ability to truly imagine
and understand what another person is feeling. It is a rare skill, but essential for true
relationship success. Empathy leads to compassion, the desire to alleviate the suffering
of another. In the absence of having compassion for another person, you cannot
genuinely connect with him.
In every romantic relationship, both people harbour deep-seated fears of abandonment
and rejection. When we feel hurt by a partner, we are gripped by the intense desire to
get revenge by hurting him, although we are usually quite unaware of it.
The feelings become a “hot potato”. As soon as you feel afraid or rejected, you toss the
feeling back to the other person. It’s a metaphorically way of saying, “Here. You have
the fear, too.” We may do this through criticizing, analyzing him, demanding that he
change, name-calling, threatening, insults, or withdrawing affection and ignoring him.
Now both people feel angry, scared, and rejected.
This revenge impulse is usually unconscious, but it is strong. Every time you ‘hurt back’,
you trigger another revenge impulse in your partner, leading to a vicious cycle.
The opposite of the revenge impulse is empathy. Empathy is the ability to truly imagine
and understand what another person is feeling. It is a rare skill, but essential for true
relationship success. Empathy leads to compassion, the desire to alleviate the suffering
of another. In the absence of having compassion for another person, you cannot
genuinely connect with him.