To restore equality to your relationship, you will need to invoke a healthy selfassertiveness.
An invaluable technique to learn is how to make requests. Making
requests means asking for what you want. As you increase your self-assertiveness with
your ex, he or she will develop much more respect for you.
“Ask and You Shall Receive”
“Ask and you shall receive” is simple in theory, yet hard to put into
practice. It means giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Assume people
don’t know what you want, and ask them for support in a friendly, low-key way.
This means getting good at making requests. The key to making a
request is to state it like a question.
Here’s a solid request: “Can you please drop the kids off on time so I can
leave by 8:30 am? If not, that’s Ok, but you will need to take them to day care
yourself since I’ll be going to work then.”
37
With the person you have in mind, write down 5-10 different endings for
the following sentence.
1. I want [my Ex] to start –
Here are some examples:
I want Phil to start—
Paying for his share of child support
Taking the kids when he says he will
Doing homework with the kids
Make sure you describe observable behaviours only. For example, if you
wrote, “I want my ex to show me respect, this is too general.” Please be specific in
terms of what behaviour you want from this person. Saying you want ‘recognition’ or
‘respect’ from someone still doesn’t clarify exactly what behaviour you are seeking.
Once you are done this sentence completion, do the same thing for the following
sentence:
1. I want [my Ex] to stop—
For example,
I want Phil to stop—
Complaining about my mother
Forgetting important dates
Ignoring the kids when they need homework help
38
Again, make sure you describe observable behaviour. I suggest you write five
different endings for both sentences each day for the next week days until you
have more clarity.
Note that you’ll want to steer clear of requests that will put you in the circle, e.g.,
“I want my ex to spend more time at the house.” Stick to things that do not
involve pursuing him or her for any particular reaction. If you ex rejected you
because you lacked self-assertiveness, you need to demonstrate that in your mind,
you matter—even if it means conflict with him or her. This will trigger in your ex.
An invaluable technique to learn is how to make requests. Making
requests means asking for what you want. As you increase your self-assertiveness with
your ex, he or she will develop much more respect for you.
“Ask and You Shall Receive”
“Ask and you shall receive” is simple in theory, yet hard to put into
practice. It means giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Assume people
don’t know what you want, and ask them for support in a friendly, low-key way.
This means getting good at making requests. The key to making a
request is to state it like a question.
Here’s a solid request: “Can you please drop the kids off on time so I can
leave by 8:30 am? If not, that’s Ok, but you will need to take them to day care
yourself since I’ll be going to work then.”
37
With the person you have in mind, write down 5-10 different endings for
the following sentence.
1. I want [my Ex] to start –
Here are some examples:
I want Phil to start—
Paying for his share of child support
Taking the kids when he says he will
Doing homework with the kids
Make sure you describe observable behaviours only. For example, if you
wrote, “I want my ex to show me respect, this is too general.” Please be specific in
terms of what behaviour you want from this person. Saying you want ‘recognition’ or
‘respect’ from someone still doesn’t clarify exactly what behaviour you are seeking.
Once you are done this sentence completion, do the same thing for the following
sentence:
1. I want [my Ex] to stop—
For example,
I want Phil to stop—
Complaining about my mother
Forgetting important dates
Ignoring the kids when they need homework help
38
Again, make sure you describe observable behaviour. I suggest you write five
different endings for both sentences each day for the next week days until you
have more clarity.
Note that you’ll want to steer clear of requests that will put you in the circle, e.g.,
“I want my ex to spend more time at the house.” Stick to things that do not
involve pursuing him or her for any particular reaction. If you ex rejected you
because you lacked self-assertiveness, you need to demonstrate that in your mind,
you matter—even if it means conflict with him or her. This will trigger in your ex.