Why Relationships Fail

I’m going to review the five main reasons why relationships fail. It’s important for you
to do a diagnosis on your relationship so that “treat” it with the proper medicine. If you
recognize yourself in these descriptions, do not despair—you didn’t make them on
purpose. We all make mistakes in relationships, including your ex.
Relationship Mistake #1
Over-Pursuing
There is a serious relationship mistake that blocks another person’s connection to you
and prevents him or her from expressing the love, respect, and appreciation you want.
I want you to start by drawing a circle on a piece of paper in front of you. Next, put the
person’s initials you would like more love or respect from inside the circle. Put your
initials outside the circle.3
The first relationship mistake is to get in the circle of another person by over-pursuing
him or her.


When you are outside the circle, this person will connect to his love, respect, and
appreciation for you. He’ll pursue you for time together, be compassionate towards you,
and place his needs above yours when appropriate.
I call this the #1 mistake because when you are in the circle, you cannot get another
person’s acceptance; in some cases, you will be barely able to get his attention. Staying
outside the circle is a necessary for any romantic relationship to survive. Without it,
getting compassion (them to care about how you feel) and generosity (to put their
needs ahead of yours) is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest naked without a Sherpa.
How to Know When You Are In the Circle:
The Pursuer’s Experience
You’ll know when you’re inside the circle because your experience is one of wanting
more: you want more time, more help, consideration, affection, listening, approval, and
respect from the other person. You have unconsciously become the pursuer in the
relationship, pressuring this person for these things without knowing it.
If you continue to pursue without success, you’ll feel frustrated, rejected, and
abandoned. Consciously and unconsciously, you will blame the person for not
responding to you. Usually, you’ll escalate your pursuit in an attempt to get the respect,
time, or affection you seek.


Here’s how it shows up in your outer game: you will be super-nice, super-affectionate, or
super-accommodating in an attempt to win over the person you are pursuing. Every
now and again, when frustrated, you’ll be hostile to him--either in your mind or your
words. You may criticize him for being insensitive, unappreciative, pre-occupied, or not
giving enough. You may become intimidating, lay guilt trips; you may even point out
how terrific you are: “You don’t appreciate me.”
In your inner game, your personal confidence will take a hit. Dimly, you’ll realize that
this person is not responding to you. And, since you are attractive and nice, you will be
very confused about why you’re being rejected.
The Way Out
There is a way out of over-pursuing, and that is to get outside the circle. You start by
realizing how you got inside the circle in the first place. Here are some main ways we get
in the circle.
“Psychological Leaning”
In Silent Power, Stuart Wilde explains that we get inside another person’s circle by
leaning on him psychologically.4 You lean on someone psychologically when you use
your connection with him to gain self-acceptance. On some level, you want this person
to lift you up psychologically by approving of you. Here are the three ways we lean on
others:

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1. Over-Pursuing

Sometimes, we lean on people by over-pursing them. Here are a few examples.
You call too often (and don’t realize it).
You wait around for him or her instead of making your own plans.
You call and tell him/her you’re lonely or depressed.
You agree to spend time with the person when it’s inconvenient for you.
You are having a bad time with the person, but instead of politely ending your
time with him or her, you stay in the situation.
You assure the person your cell phone is on, just in case he/she wants to call you.
You ask for affection and give it even when the person isn’t being affectionate.
You may even try harder: “Do you want a back rub?”
You stop focusing on your life and become focused on the other person’s life
instead.
You ask for re-assurance about your personality, looks, etc.
You give the person over-the-top affection. “You’re the most magnificent woman
I've ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I am.”
2. Over-Talking
The second way we lean on people psychologically is by over-talking. Most of us talk too
much and cannot control our need to talk.5 We also talk too much about ourselves. This
says, ‘Please give me your attention and approval.’ We all want to be someone; we all
want to feel special. These feelings are natural, but they are also the prime motivation
for over-talking.

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Why Over-Talking Repels People

 Over-talking repels people because of our motivation to over-talk. We talk too much
when we are seeking attention or acceptance, trying to be cool, trying to impress, and
desiring praise.
Subconsciously, we are trying to gain energy from other people. This is why it is so
tempting to over-talk…and why others avoid us when we do. Visualize James Bond
Agent 007, for a moment. Can you imagine him over-talking?
Here are some classic examples of over-talking:
Preening your ego:
“I don’t know if I can make the meeting. I've been asked to evaluate the National
Volleyball team, so I’m going to be busy in October.”
“They are restructuring the company and I’m qualified for so many positions
they don’t know what to do with me.”
“I already maxed out on my bonus for the year and it’s only January.”
Talking to entertain yourself (and boring others):
“I had a salad for lunch today…”
“Last night I dreamed…”
“I learned something fascinating about my palm pilot today…”


Talking down to people by implying you have superior experiences, knowledge,
wealth, or skills. This is trying to make others feel inferior:
“You play ringette? I’m on the National team.”
“Have you seen my new Lexus convertible?”
“You just got back from Vegas? I've been there many times.”
“You work for Shell? I know the President.”
Complaining, gossiping, and talking endlessly about how you’ve been
victimized, and being overly dramatic:
“I can’t believe he didn’t talk to me. What a jerk!”
“After everything I've done for her, she didn’t even send me a birthday gift.”
“She asked me not to smoke in her house! The nerve of her! She smoked for 10
years!”
If you want to attract people to you, you need to CONTROL your need to talk…and
quality of your conversation. Do not underestimate how important this can be and
assume that because you were married, you were immune to annoying your spouse. If
you had the habit of getting in the circle from over-talking, chances are your ex needed
frequent “distance” from you—which may have upset you, causing you to overpursue…
beginning the pursuit cycle anew. When a couple becomes polarized in this
way, it is easy for romance to die out.

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3. Being Controlling

The third way we get inside the circle is by being controlling. The most common ways
we do this are 1) acting cold and victimized, 2) complaining and criticizing others, and
3] actually telling others what to do.
Acting Cold and Victimized
We act cold and victimized when we think someone is not giving us the respect, time, or
affection we think we deserve. The mindset we have is: “I just want you to put in a little
effort” and “You don’t appreciate me.” Here are some examples:
You complain about his lack of consideration.
You lay guilt trips: “You should have called.”
You get disgruntled when the person wants to do something other than spend
time with you.
You check up on him and ask him to account for his time when he’s not with
you. (As opposed to not answering your phone and doing something more
interesting).
You complain to the person that he isn’t as attentive as you would like him to be.
You imply that everyone comes before you – friends, work, etc.


Acting victimized says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It also says, “I want you to
conduct this relationship my way.”
Criticizing and Complaining
We criticize people in an effort to control them and do things our way. Here are some
typical examples:
“Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being
on the internet all day.”
“You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get them
replaced every 3 weeks.”
“Are we really going to see you in a dress? You haven’t worn one since the 5th
grade.”
“Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could you
treat me with such disrespect?”
“I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents must
have completely spoiled you.”
Criticizing is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok the way you
are. But, if you do it my way, I will approve of you.” Everyone hates criticism, because it
triggers deep-seated fears of rejection and shame in them.
Telling People What to Do
Sometimes we act controlling by giving unsolicited advice, trying to control group
situations, or overtly pressuring people to change.

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For example:
“You’re eating M & M’s like they’re peanuts! I was reading an article the other
day and I think you should start making your own juice. It’s the best way to get
sugar in a healthy way.”
“Your office is not arranged very efficiently. You should get rid of the two filing
cabinets and move a chair in that space.”
“You need to start saying No to your mother. It’s making you resentful to look
after her all the time.”
“We’re all going to play cards after dinner.”
“Please tell me you’re not going to wear a veil at your wedding. Veils are so
outdated and patriarchal.”
No matter how attractive, intelligent, or nice you are, if you over-pursue, over-talk, or
act controlling, you will get in the circle of the people around you, making them want to
‘vote you off the island.’
Here’s why:
Psychological leaning has its roots in unmet needs. What’s happening is that you want
love and compliance so much from this person that you’re ignoring his or her need for
emotional space, respect, and autonomy. As Wilde explains:
When you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or towards them, it
makes others feel uncomfortable.
They resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying

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They don’t like your self-indulgence, and your insecurity reminds them of their
own vulnerability; it rattles them.
Animosity builds.
Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates.
It robs them of energy and crowds them; they have to buy into your needs and
emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own.
They don’t like the imposition, and often they react negatively, even if they
don’t say so.
Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your weight, but then they feel
they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially.
They will feel empowered to use you or deprecate you or discredit you in some
way.6
Psychological leaning also violates a basic law of attraction in life:
Any person pursued runs away.
There are the three main reasons for this phenomenon:
1. Pursuit is a form of pressure. When you pursue someone, you are constantly
pressuring him for “more.” The problem is that because we all cherish our
freedom, no one responds to pressure.

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2. Pursuit is a way of dominating the person you are pursuing. When someone tells
you through his actions that he’s not in the mood to connect with you or do it
your way, and you ignore him (and pursue or complain about him), what you are
saying to him is, “My need for connection and to get my way is more important
than your need for space and freedom.”
This is an extremely dominant move which will quickly alienate the person you are
trying to gain approval or love from. Infuriated by your selfishness, he’ll withdraw from
or reject you.
3. Human beings want to pursue, not just be pursued, especially when it comes to
romance. It is the longing for someone that creates romantic and sexual
attraction. We prize people, jobs, and money more when we must work hard and
sacrifice to get them. I call this the “Brad Pitt” phenomenon. Celebrities become
famous for their looks and talent, but what keeps their desirability high is their
inaccessibility. When you over-pursue, you rob people of the opportunity to
pursue you--and prize--you.
Relationship Mistakes #2 and #3
Inappropriate Dominance or Passivity
To understand relationship mistakes 2 and 3, you need to grasp the concept of
self-assertiveness. Self-assertiveness is the ability to express your wants and needs

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appropriately. When we lack self-assertiveness, we are either overly dominant or
overly passive.
1. Inappropriate Dominance. This means you habitually get your way at the
expense of the other person. This leads to a build up of resentment in the other
person towards you.
2. Inappropriate Passivity. This means you habitually allow the other
person to get his way. This leads to a build up of resentment in you
towards the other person.
Profile of Inappropriate Dominance
Here are typical everyday examples of being inappropriately dominant:
You ask others to do leisure activities you want to do, yet rarely do things they want
to do.
When there is a choice of movies, restaurants, or games, your preferences usually
prevail.
You spend time on hobbies (e.g., playing hockey, shopping), and are unconcerned
that your partner must do more household work to accommodate you.
You expect other people to come to your house, drive to see you, and put themselves
out of their way to socialize with you…yet you rarely do this for them.
You are self-absorbed in conversations; if you are not talking, or the conversation
does not revolve around you, you tend to check out.
You get your way in household issues, such as: how the house is decorated, whether
you have pets, where you live, and the cleanliness level of the house.
You expect your partner to spend time with your family, but do not often return the
favour.
When there are differences over issues such as spending money and raising children,
you get your way over your partner most of the time.

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On vacation, you get your way on travel destinations, daily itineraries, and
activities.
You do things that affect other people – e.g., arrive late, mess up the house – and are
basically unconcerned about how this affects them.
When the important people in your life become upset about your dominance and
demand more equality, this provokes anxiety in you.
If most of these items apply to you in a relationship, you can be sure you are the
‘alpha-dog’ in it. You like to get your way, at least in this relationship, and the thought
of giving in makes you anxious. The problem with this dynamic is that it is not
sustainable long-term. When people do not get what they want, they become angry,
anxious, and resentful.
If you persist in getting your way most of the time, this person will gradually
come to resent you. He or she may suppress it for months or even years, but eventually
it will surface in the following ways:
Lessening of passion, affection, and effort in the relationship
Overreactions to trivial situations
Irritability and crankiness towards you
Depression and fatigue that do not seem to have a cause
Addictions, particularly weight gain, smoking and drinking

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70% of all divorces are initiated by the female

70% of all divorces are initiated by the female; this type of imbalance in the
relationship is often the reason. The wife concludes that she cannot have what she
wants and the relationship at the same time. However, the dynamic can work the other
way around (with the wife dominating the husband) just as easily. The second problem
is that when you dominate another person continually, you lose respect for him, and
will eventually take him for granted. The equality needed for mutual admiration simply
does not exist.
Relationship Mistake #3
You Are Inappropriately Passive
The opposite of excessive dominance is passiveness. You habitually let the other
person get his or her way at the expense of your needs. Here are some typical examples:
You pretend to enjoy things you do not like including activities, sports, games,
foods, restaurants, etc. in order to please others.
You hide your opinions on topics such as politics, religion, sports and pop culture so
people will accept you.
You give money, help, and time to people you would rather not.
You engage in nurturing behaviour such as cooking, cleaning, listening, and running
errands for people who do not appreciate it.
You do not ask others for support, time, or listening--even from people you have
supported.
You avoid conflict or difficult conversations at all cost.
You stay in social situations you do not enjoy to avoid hurting others.
You let others control conversations, including their topics and length.

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You give in on matters such as money issues, child-care, living arrangements, and
holidays to your spouse and say, “I don’t really care.”
When you allow yourself to be dominated, a reservoir of resentment builds in
you towards the person you are accommodating. But notice: you are not resentful
because you put someone else’s needs ahead of yours. You are resentful because your
motivation for doing so was your fear of rejection.
When you subordinate your own needs out of a genuine desire to give to another
person, you do not feel resentful. Unfortunately, this type of giving is rare. Most people
‘give’ to win the acceptance of another person. There is nothing wrong with wanting
acceptance; unfortunately, this method doesn’t work long term.
The person you are being ‘giving’ towards knows you have placed his needs
above yours in order to be accepted. Unconsciously, he will start to de-value you,
because you have just de-valued yourself to gain his good opinion.
The second problem is that you now expect respect, admiration, or affection
back from him, because this was the reason you gave up what you wanted in the first
place. If he doesn’t provide enough respect, attention, and appreciation (and he won’t,
because he has just experienced a tiny loss of respect for you), you will be resentful.
Your ‘generous’ nature quickly turns critical; you may even point out all the ways
he takes you for granted. And, because you have attacked his self-esteem by criticizing
him, the relationship suffers. You have now set yourself up to be rejected. The more you
pursue him for appreciation (or criticize him for the lack of it), the more you get inside
his circle.

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If he actually rejects you

If he actually rejects you, you wind up bitter and confused. How could someone
so ‘giving’ be rejected? On the flip side of the coin, you might become fed up with
neither getting your way nor being appreciated. So, you leave the relationship,
wondering why it is so difficult to find a considerate boss / partner / friend / child /
employee.
By this time, you will find it very difficult to establish new relationships. Having
been “burned” without really understanding why, you will be slow to trust.
Note on Love Languages
“Love language” is the way a person feels loved.7 For example, some people only feel
loved by a romantic partner if there is frequent love-making. Other people feel loved if
you share their favourite activities with them. Still others want you to do things for
them, or spend quality time with them, or express your love verbally. There is an
excellent book on this subject called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman that
you should read. I’ve found that inappropriate dominance or passiveness becomes an
issue primarily when two people have different love languages. For example, let’s
imagine a husband feels loved primarily through love-making, while his wife prefers
quality time together. If the husband is overly dominant, he may exert his need for lovemaking
while ignoring his wife’s need for quality time. If, however, both people have
basically the same love language, the dominance/passive issue tends to have less impact
on the relationship, because both partners feel loved.

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