Why this is happening to you

If you are experiencing a painful break-up of any kind, my heart goes out to you. I
believe this is the most painful event you can experience—even more than the death of
this person, precisely because a break up is voluntary.
The second thing I want to say is, Please take heart. No matter what your situation,
there is always hope. Like you, I too went through a painful break-up that lasted four
years. However, using the principles in this eBook, I was able to “stop my divorce” and
am now happily married to the same person.
Why this is happening to you
One of the reasons a break-up is so painful is because we genuinely do not understand
why we are being rejected. I have seen this in every client I have worked with. No matter
how convinced you may be that you “understand” why you are being rejected, I can
guarantee that you do not grasp what is happening emotionally within your ex. Often,
even your lover or spouse does not completely understand why he or she is rejecting
you—and therefore cannot possibly communicate properly. In other cases, your ex does


know, and has tried for years to tell you want the problems are, but because you were
afraid or stubborn, you haven’t had real empathy for him or her.
Believe it or not, the purpose of a break-up is to evolve you as a person—whether you
want to evolve or not. Either a) this rejection is teaching you to be more self-reliant and
self-appreciative by asking you to move past this rejection b), or b) the rejection is
telling you that you must learn how to adjust better to a partner--or you will suffer
rejection again.
Even Hitler was loved
On April 28, 1945, Adolf Hitler married his long time mistress, Ava Braun. That same
night, Hitler tested out a cyanide pill on his pet dog, Blondi, because Soviet troops were
closing in on his underground bunker. Just two days later, on April 30, Hitler and Braun
went into a private room and took their own lives with the cyanide tablets. Braun could
have become rich by writing her memoirs, but she didn’t want to live without Hitler.
That there was a person who killed herself rather than be without Hitler shows
that no one is inherently unlovable. (I wish to stress that by no means do I
condone Hitler, undoubtedly the most evil person of the century).


I am merely pointing out that people do not gravitate towards you because of your
qualities, personality or character: they gravitate towards you based on how they
feel in your presence. This is why you can be madly in love with a person one day
and divorce the very same person five years later.
Successful relationships require competence
Years ago, a sports reporter accosted golf legend Jack Nicklaus and told him that
golf was primarily a game of luck, not skill. Jack said, “Yeah, and the funny thing
is, the more I practice, the luckier I get.”
Just like in business, wealth, and sports, your success in relationships will be
determined by your knowledge and skill in them. If you want to trigger love,
friendship, or attraction in another person, you can learn the principles of
successful relationships; and, if you follow them, people will give you the love,
respect, and appreciation you deserve. But if you violate them, people will avoid
you, no matter how attractive you are on paper.
This is exciting. It means that you never have to secretly fear that YOU are
unlovable. By learning these principles, you can be successful with anyone,
including the people you’ve failed with in the past.

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Why Relationships Fail

I’m going to review the five main reasons why relationships fail. It’s important for you
to do a diagnosis on your relationship so that “treat” it with the proper medicine. If you
recognize yourself in these descriptions, do not despair—you didn’t make them on
purpose. We all make mistakes in relationships, including your ex.
Relationship Mistake #1
Over-Pursuing
There is a serious relationship mistake that blocks another person’s connection to you
and prevents him or her from expressing the love, respect, and appreciation you want.
I want you to start by drawing a circle on a piece of paper in front of you. Next, put the
person’s initials you would like more love or respect from inside the circle. Put your
initials outside the circle.3
The first relationship mistake is to get in the circle of another person by over-pursuing
him or her.


When you are outside the circle, this person will connect to his love, respect, and
appreciation for you. He’ll pursue you for time together, be compassionate towards you,
and place his needs above yours when appropriate.
I call this the #1 mistake because when you are in the circle, you cannot get another
person’s acceptance; in some cases, you will be barely able to get his attention. Staying
outside the circle is a necessary for any romantic relationship to survive. Without it,
getting compassion (them to care about how you feel) and generosity (to put their
needs ahead of yours) is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest naked without a Sherpa.
How to Know When You Are In the Circle:
The Pursuer’s Experience
You’ll know when you’re inside the circle because your experience is one of wanting
more: you want more time, more help, consideration, affection, listening, approval, and
respect from the other person. You have unconsciously become the pursuer in the
relationship, pressuring this person for these things without knowing it.
If you continue to pursue without success, you’ll feel frustrated, rejected, and
abandoned. Consciously and unconsciously, you will blame the person for not
responding to you. Usually, you’ll escalate your pursuit in an attempt to get the respect,
time, or affection you seek.


Here’s how it shows up in your outer game: you will be super-nice, super-affectionate, or
super-accommodating in an attempt to win over the person you are pursuing. Every
now and again, when frustrated, you’ll be hostile to him--either in your mind or your
words. You may criticize him for being insensitive, unappreciative, pre-occupied, or not
giving enough. You may become intimidating, lay guilt trips; you may even point out
how terrific you are: “You don’t appreciate me.”
In your inner game, your personal confidence will take a hit. Dimly, you’ll realize that
this person is not responding to you. And, since you are attractive and nice, you will be
very confused about why you’re being rejected.
The Way Out
There is a way out of over-pursuing, and that is to get outside the circle. You start by
realizing how you got inside the circle in the first place. Here are some main ways we get
in the circle.
“Psychological Leaning”
In Silent Power, Stuart Wilde explains that we get inside another person’s circle by
leaning on him psychologically.4 You lean on someone psychologically when you use
your connection with him to gain self-acceptance. On some level, you want this person
to lift you up psychologically by approving of you. Here are the three ways we lean on
others:

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1. Over-Pursuing

Sometimes, we lean on people by over-pursing them. Here are a few examples.
You call too often (and don’t realize it).
You wait around for him or her instead of making your own plans.
You call and tell him/her you’re lonely or depressed.
You agree to spend time with the person when it’s inconvenient for you.
You are having a bad time with the person, but instead of politely ending your
time with him or her, you stay in the situation.
You assure the person your cell phone is on, just in case he/she wants to call you.
You ask for affection and give it even when the person isn’t being affectionate.
You may even try harder: “Do you want a back rub?”
You stop focusing on your life and become focused on the other person’s life
instead.
You ask for re-assurance about your personality, looks, etc.
You give the person over-the-top affection. “You’re the most magnificent woman
I've ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I am.”
2. Over-Talking
The second way we lean on people psychologically is by over-talking. Most of us talk too
much and cannot control our need to talk.5 We also talk too much about ourselves. This
says, ‘Please give me your attention and approval.’ We all want to be someone; we all
want to feel special. These feelings are natural, but they are also the prime motivation
for over-talking.

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Why Over-Talking Repels People

 Over-talking repels people because of our motivation to over-talk. We talk too much
when we are seeking attention or acceptance, trying to be cool, trying to impress, and
desiring praise.
Subconsciously, we are trying to gain energy from other people. This is why it is so
tempting to over-talk…and why others avoid us when we do. Visualize James Bond
Agent 007, for a moment. Can you imagine him over-talking?
Here are some classic examples of over-talking:
Preening your ego:
“I don’t know if I can make the meeting. I've been asked to evaluate the National
Volleyball team, so I’m going to be busy in October.”
“They are restructuring the company and I’m qualified for so many positions
they don’t know what to do with me.”
“I already maxed out on my bonus for the year and it’s only January.”
Talking to entertain yourself (and boring others):
“I had a salad for lunch today…”
“Last night I dreamed…”
“I learned something fascinating about my palm pilot today…”


Talking down to people by implying you have superior experiences, knowledge,
wealth, or skills. This is trying to make others feel inferior:
“You play ringette? I’m on the National team.”
“Have you seen my new Lexus convertible?”
“You just got back from Vegas? I've been there many times.”
“You work for Shell? I know the President.”
Complaining, gossiping, and talking endlessly about how you’ve been
victimized, and being overly dramatic:
“I can’t believe he didn’t talk to me. What a jerk!”
“After everything I've done for her, she didn’t even send me a birthday gift.”
“She asked me not to smoke in her house! The nerve of her! She smoked for 10
years!”
If you want to attract people to you, you need to CONTROL your need to talk…and
quality of your conversation. Do not underestimate how important this can be and
assume that because you were married, you were immune to annoying your spouse. If
you had the habit of getting in the circle from over-talking, chances are your ex needed
frequent “distance” from you—which may have upset you, causing you to overpursue…
beginning the pursuit cycle anew. When a couple becomes polarized in this
way, it is easy for romance to die out.

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3. Being Controlling

The third way we get inside the circle is by being controlling. The most common ways
we do this are 1) acting cold and victimized, 2) complaining and criticizing others, and
3] actually telling others what to do.
Acting Cold and Victimized
We act cold and victimized when we think someone is not giving us the respect, time, or
affection we think we deserve. The mindset we have is: “I just want you to put in a little
effort” and “You don’t appreciate me.” Here are some examples:
You complain about his lack of consideration.
You lay guilt trips: “You should have called.”
You get disgruntled when the person wants to do something other than spend
time with you.
You check up on him and ask him to account for his time when he’s not with
you. (As opposed to not answering your phone and doing something more
interesting).
You complain to the person that he isn’t as attentive as you would like him to be.
You imply that everyone comes before you – friends, work, etc.


Acting victimized says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It also says, “I want you to
conduct this relationship my way.”
Criticizing and Complaining
We criticize people in an effort to control them and do things our way. Here are some
typical examples:
“Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being
on the internet all day.”
“You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get them
replaced every 3 weeks.”
“Are we really going to see you in a dress? You haven’t worn one since the 5th
grade.”
“Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could you
treat me with such disrespect?”
“I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents must
have completely spoiled you.”
Criticizing is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok the way you
are. But, if you do it my way, I will approve of you.” Everyone hates criticism, because it
triggers deep-seated fears of rejection and shame in them.
Telling People What to Do
Sometimes we act controlling by giving unsolicited advice, trying to control group
situations, or overtly pressuring people to change.

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For example:
“You’re eating M & M’s like they’re peanuts! I was reading an article the other
day and I think you should start making your own juice. It’s the best way to get
sugar in a healthy way.”
“Your office is not arranged very efficiently. You should get rid of the two filing
cabinets and move a chair in that space.”
“You need to start saying No to your mother. It’s making you resentful to look
after her all the time.”
“We’re all going to play cards after dinner.”
“Please tell me you’re not going to wear a veil at your wedding. Veils are so
outdated and patriarchal.”
No matter how attractive, intelligent, or nice you are, if you over-pursue, over-talk, or
act controlling, you will get in the circle of the people around you, making them want to
‘vote you off the island.’
Here’s why:
Psychological leaning has its roots in unmet needs. What’s happening is that you want
love and compliance so much from this person that you’re ignoring his or her need for
emotional space, respect, and autonomy. As Wilde explains:
When you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or towards them, it
makes others feel uncomfortable.
They resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying

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They don’t like your self-indulgence, and your insecurity reminds them of their
own vulnerability; it rattles them.
Animosity builds.
Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates.
It robs them of energy and crowds them; they have to buy into your needs and
emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own.
They don’t like the imposition, and often they react negatively, even if they
don’t say so.
Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your weight, but then they feel
they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially.
They will feel empowered to use you or deprecate you or discredit you in some
way.6
Psychological leaning also violates a basic law of attraction in life:
Any person pursued runs away.
There are the three main reasons for this phenomenon:
1. Pursuit is a form of pressure. When you pursue someone, you are constantly
pressuring him for “more.” The problem is that because we all cherish our
freedom, no one responds to pressure.

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2. Pursuit is a way of dominating the person you are pursuing. When someone tells
you through his actions that he’s not in the mood to connect with you or do it
your way, and you ignore him (and pursue or complain about him), what you are
saying to him is, “My need for connection and to get my way is more important
than your need for space and freedom.”
This is an extremely dominant move which will quickly alienate the person you are
trying to gain approval or love from. Infuriated by your selfishness, he’ll withdraw from
or reject you.
3. Human beings want to pursue, not just be pursued, especially when it comes to
romance. It is the longing for someone that creates romantic and sexual
attraction. We prize people, jobs, and money more when we must work hard and
sacrifice to get them. I call this the “Brad Pitt” phenomenon. Celebrities become
famous for their looks and talent, but what keeps their desirability high is their
inaccessibility. When you over-pursue, you rob people of the opportunity to
pursue you--and prize--you.
Relationship Mistakes #2 and #3
Inappropriate Dominance or Passivity
To understand relationship mistakes 2 and 3, you need to grasp the concept of
self-assertiveness. Self-assertiveness is the ability to express your wants and needs

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appropriately. When we lack self-assertiveness, we are either overly dominant or
overly passive.
1. Inappropriate Dominance. This means you habitually get your way at the
expense of the other person. This leads to a build up of resentment in the other
person towards you.
2. Inappropriate Passivity. This means you habitually allow the other
person to get his way. This leads to a build up of resentment in you
towards the other person.
Profile of Inappropriate Dominance
Here are typical everyday examples of being inappropriately dominant:
You ask others to do leisure activities you want to do, yet rarely do things they want
to do.
When there is a choice of movies, restaurants, or games, your preferences usually
prevail.
You spend time on hobbies (e.g., playing hockey, shopping), and are unconcerned
that your partner must do more household work to accommodate you.
You expect other people to come to your house, drive to see you, and put themselves
out of their way to socialize with you…yet you rarely do this for them.
You are self-absorbed in conversations; if you are not talking, or the conversation
does not revolve around you, you tend to check out.
You get your way in household issues, such as: how the house is decorated, whether
you have pets, where you live, and the cleanliness level of the house.
You expect your partner to spend time with your family, but do not often return the
favour.
When there are differences over issues such as spending money and raising children,
you get your way over your partner most of the time.

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On vacation, you get your way on travel destinations, daily itineraries, and
activities.
You do things that affect other people – e.g., arrive late, mess up the house – and are
basically unconcerned about how this affects them.
When the important people in your life become upset about your dominance and
demand more equality, this provokes anxiety in you.
If most of these items apply to you in a relationship, you can be sure you are the
‘alpha-dog’ in it. You like to get your way, at least in this relationship, and the thought
of giving in makes you anxious. The problem with this dynamic is that it is not
sustainable long-term. When people do not get what they want, they become angry,
anxious, and resentful.
If you persist in getting your way most of the time, this person will gradually
come to resent you. He or she may suppress it for months or even years, but eventually
it will surface in the following ways:
Lessening of passion, affection, and effort in the relationship
Overreactions to trivial situations
Irritability and crankiness towards you
Depression and fatigue that do not seem to have a cause
Addictions, particularly weight gain, smoking and drinking

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70% of all divorces are initiated by the female

70% of all divorces are initiated by the female; this type of imbalance in the
relationship is often the reason. The wife concludes that she cannot have what she
wants and the relationship at the same time. However, the dynamic can work the other
way around (with the wife dominating the husband) just as easily. The second problem
is that when you dominate another person continually, you lose respect for him, and
will eventually take him for granted. The equality needed for mutual admiration simply
does not exist.
Relationship Mistake #3
You Are Inappropriately Passive
The opposite of excessive dominance is passiveness. You habitually let the other
person get his or her way at the expense of your needs. Here are some typical examples:
You pretend to enjoy things you do not like including activities, sports, games,
foods, restaurants, etc. in order to please others.
You hide your opinions on topics such as politics, religion, sports and pop culture so
people will accept you.
You give money, help, and time to people you would rather not.
You engage in nurturing behaviour such as cooking, cleaning, listening, and running
errands for people who do not appreciate it.
You do not ask others for support, time, or listening--even from people you have
supported.
You avoid conflict or difficult conversations at all cost.
You stay in social situations you do not enjoy to avoid hurting others.
You let others control conversations, including their topics and length.

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You give in on matters such as money issues, child-care, living arrangements, and
holidays to your spouse and say, “I don’t really care.”
When you allow yourself to be dominated, a reservoir of resentment builds in
you towards the person you are accommodating. But notice: you are not resentful
because you put someone else’s needs ahead of yours. You are resentful because your
motivation for doing so was your fear of rejection.
When you subordinate your own needs out of a genuine desire to give to another
person, you do not feel resentful. Unfortunately, this type of giving is rare. Most people
‘give’ to win the acceptance of another person. There is nothing wrong with wanting
acceptance; unfortunately, this method doesn’t work long term.
The person you are being ‘giving’ towards knows you have placed his needs
above yours in order to be accepted. Unconsciously, he will start to de-value you,
because you have just de-valued yourself to gain his good opinion.
The second problem is that you now expect respect, admiration, or affection
back from him, because this was the reason you gave up what you wanted in the first
place. If he doesn’t provide enough respect, attention, and appreciation (and he won’t,
because he has just experienced a tiny loss of respect for you), you will be resentful.
Your ‘generous’ nature quickly turns critical; you may even point out all the ways
he takes you for granted. And, because you have attacked his self-esteem by criticizing
him, the relationship suffers. You have now set yourself up to be rejected. The more you
pursue him for appreciation (or criticize him for the lack of it), the more you get inside
his circle.

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If he actually rejects you

If he actually rejects you, you wind up bitter and confused. How could someone
so ‘giving’ be rejected? On the flip side of the coin, you might become fed up with
neither getting your way nor being appreciated. So, you leave the relationship,
wondering why it is so difficult to find a considerate boss / partner / friend / child /
employee.
By this time, you will find it very difficult to establish new relationships. Having
been “burned” without really understanding why, you will be slow to trust.
Note on Love Languages
“Love language” is the way a person feels loved.7 For example, some people only feel
loved by a romantic partner if there is frequent love-making. Other people feel loved if
you share their favourite activities with them. Still others want you to do things for
them, or spend quality time with them, or express your love verbally. There is an
excellent book on this subject called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman that
you should read. I’ve found that inappropriate dominance or passiveness becomes an
issue primarily when two people have different love languages. For example, let’s
imagine a husband feels loved primarily through love-making, while his wife prefers
quality time together. If the husband is overly dominant, he may exert his need for lovemaking
while ignoring his wife’s need for quality time. If, however, both people have
basically the same love language, the dominance/passive issue tends to have less impact
on the relationship, because both partners feel loved.

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The Revenge Impulse

 Relationship Mistake #4
In every romantic relationship, both people harbour deep-seated fears of abandonment
and rejection. When we feel hurt by a partner, we are gripped by the intense desire to
get revenge by hurting him, although we are usually quite unaware of it.
The feelings become a “hot potato”. As soon as you feel afraid or rejected, you toss the
feeling back to the other person. It’s a metaphorically way of saying, “Here. You have
the fear, too.” We may do this through criticizing, analyzing him, demanding that he
change, name-calling, threatening, insults, or withdrawing affection and ignoring him.
Now both people feel angry, scared, and rejected.
This revenge impulse is usually unconscious, but it is strong. Every time you ‘hurt back’,
you trigger another revenge impulse in your partner, leading to a vicious cycle.
The opposite of the revenge impulse is empathy. Empathy is the ability to truly imagine
and understand what another person is feeling. It is a rare skill, but essential for true
relationship success. Empathy leads to compassion, the desire to alleviate the suffering
of another. In the absence of having compassion for another person, you cannot
genuinely connect with him.

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How to Stop Romantic Rejection

To stop romantic rejection, your very first job is to discover which of these 4 mistakes
factors led to the end of the relationship.
If you’ve been pressuring your ex to get back together, stop doing this immediately. This
person will not genuinely consider what you have to say unless you correct the mistakes
you were making.
Assuming you’ve already separated (and your lawyer is OK with you dating), you invoke
the Stop Your Divorce formula. Call your ex and say, "I've been pressuring you to get back
together, and I realize that this is making you uncomfortable because it's not what you
want. Although I'd prefer to stay married to you, I can see you're not happy. So, I've
decided to accept your decision and start dating. But I don't want to make the same
mistakes I did with you, so I have a couple of questions I hoped you'd answer."
Then, read her the 4 items on this list. Ask her which ones apply to your marriage.
Listen to her and take excellent notes. Resist the temptation to defend yourself (it could
be overwhelming) or hurt back if she says something painful.


Instead, ask her for examples of what she is talking about. For instance, if she says that
you were selfish and never listened to her, say, “Exactly which areas was I selfish? Can
you give me some examples?”
Thank her for sharing her thoughts, and hang up.
After this conversation, you will be in a much better position. You will have
accomplished 3 main things:
You will have taken the pressure off her, making her more relaxed around you.
You have also shown confidence by backing off.
You will finally have an opportunity to fix the relationship mistakes.
You'll be far less confused about why she (or he) left. This is a major part of the
pain of a divorce: not knowing exactly what happened to turn the other person
off.
Of course, if it was a brief romantic relationship, or you already know the mistakes you
were making simply from reading the list, you don’t need to have this conversation.
Your second job is to do a fearless inventory about the circle. Let’s do this right now. Go
through the list of behaviors (over-pursuing, over-talking, acting controlling) and write
down what you did in the relationship that might have put you in the circle.

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How to Get Outside the Circle

Here are four strategies you can use to get outside the circle and re-trigger romantic
attraction in your ex.
1. Learn to Ooze Charisma (instead of psychological leaning).
Here are five foolproof topics what you can talk about to stay outside the circle and once
again by charismatic to your lover or spouse:
1. Pop culture icons and celebrities
2. Movies, drama, humour, scandal
3. Renaissance topics such as art, dance, culture, current music trends
4. History or interesting trivia.
5. The other person. When you ask questions and listen, you are nurturing others
by giving them air time. However, it is still a win-win conversation because you
are getting to pick the topic; pick something you are interested in so you do not
feel drained by the other person.
Examples:
“I hear the oil and gas industry is very demanding at the moment. What are you working
on right now?”

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“Your sister told me you love Star Wars. How come?”
“I heard you went back to school this year. What are you taking?
When others are talking, there are three ways to keep the conversation stimulating.
1. Keep asking questions to go “deeper” into the topic.
Her: “I’m in law school. My favourite class is constitutional law.”
You: “What is that?
2. Interject humour without taking over the conversation.
Example:
Him: “This airport is really far away from the city. It was obviously built in the
days when airports were constructed 50 miles outside the city limit.”
You: “Yes, it can make the drive long…my Dad’s driving us, though and he’s the
master of the short cut. He’ll take any route just to cut 22 seconds off the
drive…so it won’t be pure torture.”
3. Interject empathy and support into the conversation.
Her: “I got a distressing customer complaint today. He didn’t understand the
work our firm did at all and posted a letter on his website that is damaging our
reputation.”

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Don't initiate contact, but respond when she does.

Respond, and be friendly when she calls, but rarely make the initial contact. If she wants
to get together, that's great--provided you are not busy. A general rule of thumb is:
contact him one time for every 3 times he contacts you. Also, keep the conversation
under 10 minutes, and be sure you are the one to end the call.
4. Act content with your life.
People never reject anyone they perceive as peace of mind. When you have contact with
this person, act happy. Note: don’t say you’re happy, or impress upon this person how
“happy” you are; this will only backfire.
5. No serious talk – small talk and happy talk only.
No fighting, arguing, criticizing, or complaining. Especially, stop talking about your
feelings and inner life; NEVER mention being single, being lonely, being a loser, being
unlovable, having bad luck, or how long it’s been since you had a date. Keep utter
secrecy and mystery about your inner life. NO serious talk about the state of any
relationship unless it is positive. Stick to small talk and happy talk only.
6. Do the activities you used to enjoy together, except with others.
Invite her occasionally, but do not wait for her to live your life and be happy.

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Correcting Inappropriate Dominance

If you were rejected because you were overly dominant in the relationship, establish a
genuine friendship with your ex in which you are more generous.
By having a friendship with her instead of the romantic connection you want, you
immediately show that you can handle not getting your way. Agree with her that you
were selfish and that she was right to leave you for it. Within your friendship, learn to
be generous – how to put her needs before yours out of love. Here are some guidelines:
Offer to try choices that appeal to her, including restaurants, movies, sports, and
TV programs. See if you can learn to like them too.
In conversation, solicit her opinions; listen more and talk less; become more
agreeable and less defensive.
Offer to do more than your fair share of child care, family duties, and or
miscellaneous stuff that comes up between friends, e.g., reservations. The key
to creating joyful, sustainable relationships is to create equality in them. You
avoid mistake #2 by abandoning your overly dominant nature and learning the
joy of giving.
The more difficult these suggestions are for you to implement, the more urgent
it is that you do them immediately.

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The Joy of Giving
The easiest way to become more giving is to realize how much joy there is in it. If
you’ve ever watched someone you love open a gift on Christmas morning, you know the
joy I’m talking about. The same principle applies in relationships. When you place
another person’s wants and needs before your own, you feel an extraordinary rush of
joy, well-being, and self-esteem.
Most people think of themselves as giving, but what they don’t realize is that
they are giving on their terms—when and how they want to give.
Love is acceptance, but it is also the ability to put another person’s needs ahead
of your own. This is why parenting is such a profound growth experience: you finally
understand that giving is pleasurable for its own sake.

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Correct Inappropriate Passiveness

To restore equality to your relationship, you will need to invoke a healthy selfassertiveness.
An invaluable technique to learn is how to make requests. Making
requests means asking for what you want. As you increase your self-assertiveness with
your ex, he or she will develop much more respect for you.
“Ask and You Shall Receive”
“Ask and you shall receive” is simple in theory, yet hard to put into
practice. It means giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Assume people
don’t know what you want, and ask them for support in a friendly, low-key way.
This means getting good at making requests. The key to making a
request is to state it like a question.
Here’s a solid request: “Can you please drop the kids off on time so I can
leave by 8:30 am? If not, that’s Ok, but you will need to take them to day care
yourself since I’ll be going to work then.”

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With the person you have in mind, write down 5-10 different endings for
the following sentence.
1. I want [my Ex] to start –
Here are some examples:
I want Phil to start—
Paying for his share of child support
Taking the kids when he says he will
Doing homework with the kids
Make sure you describe observable behaviours only. For example, if you
wrote, “I want my ex to show me respect, this is too general.” Please be specific in
terms of what behaviour you want from this person. Saying you want ‘recognition’ or
‘respect’ from someone still doesn’t clarify exactly what behaviour you are seeking.
Once you are done this sentence completion, do the same thing for the following
sentence:
1. I want [my Ex] to stop—
For example,
I want Phil to stop—
Complaining about my mother
Forgetting important dates
Ignoring the kids when they need homework help

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Again, make sure you describe observable behaviour. I suggest you write five
different endings for both sentences each day for the next week days until you
have more clarity.
Note that you’ll want to steer clear of requests that will put you in the circle, e.g.,
“I want my ex to spend more time at the house.” Stick to things that do not
involve pursuing him or her for any particular reaction. If you ex rejected you
because you lacked self-assertiveness, you need to demonstrate that in your mind,
you matter—even if it means conflict with him or her. This will trigger in your ex.

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Correcting the Revenge Impulse

If you were rejected because you got caught up in the “revenge impulse” and hurt your
partner through criticism, insults, withdrawing affection, or refusing little courtesies
and kindnesses, you will need to repair the trust between you.
Here’s the key: stop hurting her back when you are hurt. Instead, try to understand
what she is communicating when she “hurts” you. For example, if she hurts you by
complaining that you watched sports too much, you can listen for the request
underneath the complaint and strive to give her what she wants (more quality time).
After that, learn how to heal yourself when you are offended, hurt, or feel rejected
INSTEAD of hurting her back. One of the primary ways of correcting the revenge
impulse is forgiveness.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean believing it is Ok you were hurt, or that your ex can or
should always be trusted. Forgiveness is accepting that the person made a mistake,
accepting that he acted unconsciously, and taking appropriate measures to make sure
that together it doesn't happen again...which implies change on both your parts.

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The Inner Game

I have given you much advice on exactly what to do and say when you have contact with
your ex. However, your ability to act on this advice centers around the strength of your
inner game. Here are some strategies to keep your inner game and confidence strong.
1. Stop being self-righteous
When we are being rejected by another person (romantically or otherwise), we tend to
feel very ashamed, self-critical, and depressed.
This is natural, because we are not winning in the relationship--and we all want to be
adored and respected by others. First, you must stop being so self-righteous. You know
what I mean. When most people are rejected,
they react with disbelief and incredulity.
'What? YOU are rejecting me?'
Then they put the other person down in their mind, insisting they are 'above' this
person. They tell themselves that no one has the right to reject them...that they are
above rejection.

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This is silly. No one is above rejection.

There is a harsh truth to be faced about relationships: love is often unconditional, but
relationships are not. You can be the most charming person alive, but you must
understand that people accept or reject you based on whether you are meeting their
needs.
I worked with a client once whose common law husband had left her. She was
in shock, and extremely hurt and angry because he had the nerve to reject
her.
"Why did he leave you?" I asked.
"Because I had an emotional affair with my ex-boyfriend the whole time we were
together, and he got sick of it."
Now, she was a special lady, but her shock and self-pity was quite
irrational given how she had acted during their relationship. I'm not suggesting that
every time you are rejected that you deserve it.
What I am saying is that it is Ok to have the experience of being rejected.
By accepting this idea, you reduce your emotional pain (because much of it

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was coming from the fact that you were demanding that everyone respond to
you perfectly). You also put yourself in a position to find out why you are being rejected
and either stop the rejection or move on.
2. Stop self-pity
Self-righteousness and self-pity go hand in hand. Both are the idea that loss and
rejection should not happen to you. Once activated, self-pity wants more pain, and will
feed off itself to create more misery within you.8
There is a way out.
But first, you must understand why we become caught up in self-righteousness and selfpity.
Self-righteousness and self-pity is how we deny our feelings of rejection,
abandonment and fear. Denial is always the first reaction to loss.
Here's the problem with denial. First, you can't move beyond a loss if you deny it's
happening. Second, there's a 97% chance that your fear (of rejection and abandonment)
is the very reason you are being rejected in the first place.
Earlier, I said that while love is unconditional, relationships are not. People accept or
reject us based on whether or not we are meeting their needs. This brings me to the #1
reason people reject us: we are violating their need for freedom, acceptance, and space.

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Unconsciously, we act entitled to their love, support, time, empathy, listening, respect,
money...the list is long. We pressure them constantly and don't even realize it, because
we believe we are entitled to these things.
A Personal Example
For most of my adult life, I treated my big sister like a surrogate parent. After our
parents' divorce, I assumed it was her job to take care of me.
When my Mom suggested I move out, I moved into my sister's place. When my
relationships broke up, I showed up on her doorstep. When I was a starving student, I
let her pay for my holidays.
It never dawned on me that she was only 18 months older than me and might not want
an instant daughter. Not surprisingly, she got tired of being responsible for me, and
started to complain. But, I felt too victimized by my parents' divorce to listen. Plus, I
reasoned, I did a lot for her, too. Why couldn't she see that?
Sigh. Entitlement is a tough thing to recognize in ourselves. To let go of this
person, and all the things we feel entitled to, we must face our deepest fears.

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Take out a blank sheet of paper. Write the name of a person you have felt rejected by at
the top. Then, in the space below, list five things you have demanded from this person
in your life, both consciously and unconsciously.
Now take a few moments and study your list. Say good-bye to them, and let yourself
have your fear and sadness.
3. Nurture your heart
Here is an exercise in nurturing your heart of the overwhelming fear and sadness you
will face daily while trying to stop your romantic rejection. This is necessary because you
will frequently face the fear of rejection as you go through the process.
Mastering the fear of rejection means that you learn how to heal your heart. When
you’re hurt, your impulse will be to defend against your hurt through blaming,
becoming hostile, and pretending that you do not care about your ex.
These mental positions will keep your hurt locked inside you, because by the time an
emotion shows up in your body, it is energetic experience; therefore, it is useless to
resist it.

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“I Just Want to Cry A Little”

It was a 5-year-old who taught me that, ‘What you resist persists’.
At my summer ringette school many years ago, we tried to take her rollerblading with
her group, but none of the rollerblades fit her. Her lip started to quiver when she
realized she wouldn’t be able to go.
About this time, her mother showed up with another baby in her arms. Her mother was
clearly tired; when she saw her little girl crying, she became impatient. “Lyndsay, stop
crying,” she said in exasperation. Of course, Lyndsay’s crying turned into hysterical
sobs.
The mother lost her patience completely. “If you keep this up, I’m going to take you
home and not bring you back tomorrow.” The little girl sat down and paused. After a
few moments, she looked up at her mother and said, “I just want to cry a little.”
She was only five, but she got it. The crying IS the healing.
I’m going to lead you through a simple exercise you can use to nurture yourself through
rejection, sadness, and love pain when it arises.

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Visualization sequence for nurturing your heart

Sit in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes and relax. Focus on
your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. Once you are relaxed, go back to a time when
you felt loved, appreciated, and accepted by your ex-lover or spouse.
Re-run this scene in your mind. Allow the feeling to grow stronger as an energetic
experience. Re-access the positive energy you had at that time. Continue this for at least
10 minutes. If negative feelings surface, explore them by trying to make them stronger
as an energetic experience. Try to sustain the negative feelings for at least 10-15
minutes. If you need to weep, allow yourself to do so.
This exercise will allow you release negative energy from old traumas and
disappointments.
Of course, releasing sadness or disappointment will not erase desire in you for respect
or love. You still need to ‘win’ a romantic relationship to fully heal and attain happiness.
But now you are no longer a hostile victim: you are still open to receiving love; you know
the outer game you need to get it; you’re optimistic; and you are emotionally resilient.

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4. Move on or not?

 To put your whole heart into stopping your break up, you must determine whether it is
a good idea to try and reverse this rejection or move on from
the relationship.
I have reviewed the strategies you can use right away to start reversing this rejection
once you are convinced it’s what you want. If reversing the rejection is a bad idea, you
will need to let go of your need to gain this person's approval, respect, or affection. This
is the key to getting over your pain.
Move On or Not?
Most of us have a hidden belief that if we are super-nice, attractive, and compassionate,
we will be able to forge a harmonious relationship
with everyone.
This is a fallacy.
The only way an extremely happy, harmonious relationship happens is when both
people are highly evolved. If you are being rejected by a person who is not highly
evolved emotionally or spiritually, I suggest you move on. It is very painful to be
attached to a person who is quite unevolved...you will be distressed or hurt on a regular
basis. If, however, you are being rejected by a person who IS highly evolved, I suggest
you continue to work on stopping the rejection. This process will both make you a
better person and bring you a quality relationship.
Note: you must be honest with yourself here. Do not decide to move on simply because
you fear rejection or disappointment.
This is a "You can't fire me, I quit!" approach to relationships. Do not let fear motivate
you when making this decision. Trying to move on because you are pessimistic will only
ensure you will attract another rejection into your life.
Evolved or Unevolved?
I've made up a 12 point checklist you can use to determine whether this person is
evolved or unevolved. An evolved person is one who has the following:
1. He can stay conscious of reality vs. avoiding it
2. He can apologize when wrong
2. He can hear and accept criticism
3. He can assert himself (not passive or aggressive).
4. He can take responsibility (vs. blame)
5. He can experience negative feelings (vs. highly suppressed)

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6. He sets and works towards meaningful goals
7. He is benevolent (has goodwill towards people)
8. He can listen (vs. self-absorbed and narcissistic)
9. He is empathic and compassionate vs. cold
10. He has a sense of humour vs. overly serious (self-pitying)
11. He respects his body vs. addictive and unhealthy
12. He can heal himself of traumas and disappointments

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I am not saying you should reject every person who is not perfectly evolved.
We are all a 'work in progress'. However, if you are being rejected by
someone who is scores low on most or all of these categories, I suggest you move on and
focus your energy on a person who has the potential for an excellent relationship.
5. Letting Go
My final tip for handing your inner game is for situations when you know a relationship
is destructive to you, but you still feel upset by the fact you are being rejected by this
person. Deep inside, you still want this person's love and
approval, and it confounds you, because you know you should let go of the relationship.
First, I want you to realize that your desire to win over this person is quite natural,
especially if you haven't succeeded yet. I've found that the less love you get from a
person, the harder it is to let go.

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Basically, this is because letting go is tantamount to failure in our mind. To let go, we
must admit that we may never get the love and approval we want. This is tough.
Here are some practical ways to approach your inner game so you can heal yourself of
your feelings of failure, frustration, and sadness when you need to let go.
1. Trust your own mind.
All too often, when facing anger, disapproval, and rejection, we immediately assume
that the conflict is our fault. This assumption is usually unconscious and happens so
fast we don't even recognize it.
When dealing with rejection, you must review your behaviour objectively in your mind.
Were you empathic to the other person's feelings? Were you assertive when necessary?
Did you genuinely attempt to adapt to the other person and meet his or her needs? Did
you give the person space when he or she needed it? Or, were you selfish? Cold?
Defensive? Argumentative? Clingy? Did you avoid conflict instead of try to resolve it?
Were you deceitful or manipulative?
If your behaviour was excellent and you know it, it's time to stop assuming
that every time someone doesn't respond to you with affection, respect, or approval
that it's you're fault.

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This is a difficult exercise. I've found that when people externally blame, such as, "He's
an arrogant guy who simply won't listen," inwardly they secretly are blaming
themselves. This is where their sorrow and depression are coming from: they are
questioning themselves as a person.
If you focus on the reality of each person's actions (rather than assume it's
your fault or his) your depression over this rejection will diminish. Of course, it
the breakdown of the relationship was primarily your fault, I suggest you make
amends as quickly as possible.
2. Getting over a need for approval is impossible if you are hanging onto an
unrealistic vision of the relationship (or person). Step back for a moment and
ask yourself, "What was the relationship really like?" and "What is this person
really like?"
Were you expecting listening from a person who is self-absorbed? Were you expecting
assertiveness from a person who is super-passive? Were expecting generosity from a
person who is a bit stingy?
To heal the pain of this rejection, you might have to mourn the vision of
this person/relationship in your mind...and welcome a new reality. This reality

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may be a bitter pill to swallow at first, but it's much better than rejection pain, and at
least you are dealing with "what is". You may even be able to resurrect the relationship
with much lower expectations on both sides.
3. To really heal, you must forgive the other person for hurting you. Forgiveness is
genuinely understanding that life is not fair, and that loss is part of life.
The opposite of forgiveness is the revenge impulse. When another person hurts us, we
want to hurt him back. This is natural, but the problem with vengeance is that it keeps
your grief alive. By hurting the person back, you get justice, but it keeps your grief alive.
There is a quote about this: "Vengeance is a lazy man's grief." If you forgive, you never
get justice, but you heal yourself.
To forgive, you drop your need for revenge in favour of a desire to improve your life.
Weep for what was done to you when needed, but resolve to focus on the future from
now on.

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Final Thoughts

The process of stopping a romantic rejection is never a straight line. There will be
progress, followed by regressions—on both your parts. Remember that the purpose of
this process is your personal evolution.

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In the end, it’s never about the other person or the relationship: it’s about you learning
how to love and be loved. Above all else, on the same grim conditions, we must love and
keep friends with ourselves.9
It’s been a pleasure working with you. If you would like to contact me about any part of
this training, please do so at the address below. I hope to work with you again. To learn
about new Courage to email me joyyy@gmail.com
Peace and love,

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