Why this is happening to you

If you are experiencing a painful break-up of any kind, my heart goes out to you. I
believe this is the most painful event you can experience—even more than the death of
this person, precisely because a break up is voluntary.
The second thing I want to say is, Please take heart. No matter what your situation,
there is always hope. Like you, I too went through a painful break-up that lasted four
years. However, using the principles in this eBook, I was able to “stop my divorce” and
am now happily married to the same person.
Why this is happening to you
One of the reasons a break-up is so painful is because we genuinely do not understand
why we are being rejected. I have seen this in every client I have worked with. No matter
how convinced you may be that you “understand” why you are being rejected, I can
guarantee that you do not grasp what is happening emotionally within your ex. Often,
even your lover or spouse does not completely understand why he or she is rejecting
you—and therefore cannot possibly communicate properly. In other cases, your ex does


know, and has tried for years to tell you want the problems are, but because you were
afraid or stubborn, you haven’t had real empathy for him or her.
Believe it or not, the purpose of a break-up is to evolve you as a person—whether you
want to evolve or not. Either a) this rejection is teaching you to be more self-reliant and
self-appreciative by asking you to move past this rejection b), or b) the rejection is
telling you that you must learn how to adjust better to a partner--or you will suffer
rejection again.
Even Hitler was loved
On April 28, 1945, Adolf Hitler married his long time mistress, Ava Braun. That same
night, Hitler tested out a cyanide pill on his pet dog, Blondi, because Soviet troops were
closing in on his underground bunker. Just two days later, on April 30, Hitler and Braun
went into a private room and took their own lives with the cyanide tablets. Braun could
have become rich by writing her memoirs, but she didn’t want to live without Hitler.
That there was a person who killed herself rather than be without Hitler shows
that no one is inherently unlovable. (I wish to stress that by no means do I
condone Hitler, undoubtedly the most evil person of the century).


I am merely pointing out that people do not gravitate towards you because of your
qualities, personality or character: they gravitate towards you based on how they
feel in your presence. This is why you can be madly in love with a person one day
and divorce the very same person five years later.
Successful relationships require competence
Years ago, a sports reporter accosted golf legend Jack Nicklaus and told him that
golf was primarily a game of luck, not skill. Jack said, “Yeah, and the funny thing
is, the more I practice, the luckier I get.”
Just like in business, wealth, and sports, your success in relationships will be
determined by your knowledge and skill in them. If you want to trigger love,
friendship, or attraction in another person, you can learn the principles of
successful relationships; and, if you follow them, people will give you the love,
respect, and appreciation you deserve. But if you violate them, people will avoid
you, no matter how attractive you are on paper.
This is exciting. It means that you never have to secretly fear that YOU are
unlovable. By learning these principles, you can be successful with anyone,
including the people you’ve failed with in the past.

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Why Relationships Fail

I’m going to review the five main reasons why relationships fail. It’s important for you
to do a diagnosis on your relationship so that “treat” it with the proper medicine. If you
recognize yourself in these descriptions, do not despair—you didn’t make them on
purpose. We all make mistakes in relationships, including your ex.
Relationship Mistake #1
Over-Pursuing
There is a serious relationship mistake that blocks another person’s connection to you
and prevents him or her from expressing the love, respect, and appreciation you want.
I want you to start by drawing a circle on a piece of paper in front of you. Next, put the
person’s initials you would like more love or respect from inside the circle. Put your
initials outside the circle.3
The first relationship mistake is to get in the circle of another person by over-pursuing
him or her.


When you are outside the circle, this person will connect to his love, respect, and
appreciation for you. He’ll pursue you for time together, be compassionate towards you,
and place his needs above yours when appropriate.
I call this the #1 mistake because when you are in the circle, you cannot get another
person’s acceptance; in some cases, you will be barely able to get his attention. Staying
outside the circle is a necessary for any romantic relationship to survive. Without it,
getting compassion (them to care about how you feel) and generosity (to put their
needs ahead of yours) is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest naked without a Sherpa.
How to Know When You Are In the Circle:
The Pursuer’s Experience
You’ll know when you’re inside the circle because your experience is one of wanting
more: you want more time, more help, consideration, affection, listening, approval, and
respect from the other person. You have unconsciously become the pursuer in the
relationship, pressuring this person for these things without knowing it.
If you continue to pursue without success, you’ll feel frustrated, rejected, and
abandoned. Consciously and unconsciously, you will blame the person for not
responding to you. Usually, you’ll escalate your pursuit in an attempt to get the respect,
time, or affection you seek.


Here’s how it shows up in your outer game: you will be super-nice, super-affectionate, or
super-accommodating in an attempt to win over the person you are pursuing. Every
now and again, when frustrated, you’ll be hostile to him--either in your mind or your
words. You may criticize him for being insensitive, unappreciative, pre-occupied, or not
giving enough. You may become intimidating, lay guilt trips; you may even point out
how terrific you are: “You don’t appreciate me.”
In your inner game, your personal confidence will take a hit. Dimly, you’ll realize that
this person is not responding to you. And, since you are attractive and nice, you will be
very confused about why you’re being rejected.
The Way Out
There is a way out of over-pursuing, and that is to get outside the circle. You start by
realizing how you got inside the circle in the first place. Here are some main ways we get
in the circle.
“Psychological Leaning”
In Silent Power, Stuart Wilde explains that we get inside another person’s circle by
leaning on him psychologically.4 You lean on someone psychologically when you use
your connection with him to gain self-acceptance. On some level, you want this person
to lift you up psychologically by approving of you. Here are the three ways we lean on
others:

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1. Over-Pursuing

Sometimes, we lean on people by over-pursing them. Here are a few examples.
You call too often (and don’t realize it).
You wait around for him or her instead of making your own plans.
You call and tell him/her you’re lonely or depressed.
You agree to spend time with the person when it’s inconvenient for you.
You are having a bad time with the person, but instead of politely ending your
time with him or her, you stay in the situation.
You assure the person your cell phone is on, just in case he/she wants to call you.
You ask for affection and give it even when the person isn’t being affectionate.
You may even try harder: “Do you want a back rub?”
You stop focusing on your life and become focused on the other person’s life
instead.
You ask for re-assurance about your personality, looks, etc.
You give the person over-the-top affection. “You’re the most magnificent woman
I've ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I am.”
2. Over-Talking
The second way we lean on people psychologically is by over-talking. Most of us talk too
much and cannot control our need to talk.5 We also talk too much about ourselves. This
says, ‘Please give me your attention and approval.’ We all want to be someone; we all
want to feel special. These feelings are natural, but they are also the prime motivation
for over-talking.

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Why Over-Talking Repels People

 Over-talking repels people because of our motivation to over-talk. We talk too much
when we are seeking attention or acceptance, trying to be cool, trying to impress, and
desiring praise.
Subconsciously, we are trying to gain energy from other people. This is why it is so
tempting to over-talk…and why others avoid us when we do. Visualize James Bond
Agent 007, for a moment. Can you imagine him over-talking?
Here are some classic examples of over-talking:
Preening your ego:
“I don’t know if I can make the meeting. I've been asked to evaluate the National
Volleyball team, so I’m going to be busy in October.”
“They are restructuring the company and I’m qualified for so many positions
they don’t know what to do with me.”
“I already maxed out on my bonus for the year and it’s only January.”
Talking to entertain yourself (and boring others):
“I had a salad for lunch today…”
“Last night I dreamed…”
“I learned something fascinating about my palm pilot today…”


Talking down to people by implying you have superior experiences, knowledge,
wealth, or skills. This is trying to make others feel inferior:
“You play ringette? I’m on the National team.”
“Have you seen my new Lexus convertible?”
“You just got back from Vegas? I've been there many times.”
“You work for Shell? I know the President.”
Complaining, gossiping, and talking endlessly about how you’ve been
victimized, and being overly dramatic:
“I can’t believe he didn’t talk to me. What a jerk!”
“After everything I've done for her, she didn’t even send me a birthday gift.”
“She asked me not to smoke in her house! The nerve of her! She smoked for 10
years!”
If you want to attract people to you, you need to CONTROL your need to talk…and
quality of your conversation. Do not underestimate how important this can be and
assume that because you were married, you were immune to annoying your spouse. If
you had the habit of getting in the circle from over-talking, chances are your ex needed
frequent “distance” from you—which may have upset you, causing you to overpursue…
beginning the pursuit cycle anew. When a couple becomes polarized in this
way, it is easy for romance to die out.

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3. Being Controlling

The third way we get inside the circle is by being controlling. The most common ways
we do this are 1) acting cold and victimized, 2) complaining and criticizing others, and
3] actually telling others what to do.
Acting Cold and Victimized
We act cold and victimized when we think someone is not giving us the respect, time, or
affection we think we deserve. The mindset we have is: “I just want you to put in a little
effort” and “You don’t appreciate me.” Here are some examples:
You complain about his lack of consideration.
You lay guilt trips: “You should have called.”
You get disgruntled when the person wants to do something other than spend
time with you.
You check up on him and ask him to account for his time when he’s not with
you. (As opposed to not answering your phone and doing something more
interesting).
You complain to the person that he isn’t as attentive as you would like him to be.
You imply that everyone comes before you – friends, work, etc.


Acting victimized says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It also says, “I want you to
conduct this relationship my way.”
Criticizing and Complaining
We criticize people in an effort to control them and do things our way. Here are some
typical examples:
“Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being
on the internet all day.”
“You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get them
replaced every 3 weeks.”
“Are we really going to see you in a dress? You haven’t worn one since the 5th
grade.”
“Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could you
treat me with such disrespect?”
“I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents must
have completely spoiled you.”
Criticizing is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok the way you
are. But, if you do it my way, I will approve of you.” Everyone hates criticism, because it
triggers deep-seated fears of rejection and shame in them.
Telling People What to Do
Sometimes we act controlling by giving unsolicited advice, trying to control group
situations, or overtly pressuring people to change.

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